Chapter 29 - Why is that every place reminds me of her? (J)
When I woke up the next morning I had this crazy feeling that something’s wrong; like a warning or my sixth sense telling me that something really bad happened. I know it’s just a stupid intuition but it felt so real; so real that it scared the hell out of me. And I don’t get scared that easily; unless something happened to the people I cared – Elle, Gabe, Em and Anna.
As if on cue I remembered everything happened yesterday night and instantly knew it’s got to do with Anna. Taking my mobile I hurriedly called her number only to realize it’s switched off which made me more suspicious and tensed. When I called Emily she was still asleep making me rush to her house after getting ready in less than ten minutes.
“Where is Anna?” I yelled at Lily and Emily who were sitting in their living room looking sad and hurt.
“Jason---” Emily started sadly looking very disappointed.
“What happened? Where is she?” I snapped.
“I woke up just now. Mom told me that Anna left” Emily croaked with tears in her eyes.
I think I heard her say Anna left. How the hell can she say that? I know there’s no way Anna would leave me. She loves me too much to even think of doing that.
“Stop joking Em. Is it some game that you planned with Gabe again?” I said scowling at her.
She shook her head with tears in her eyes when I continued “Where is she? Anna!!! Anna!!!” I yelled calling her name but got no reply in response.
“Oh My God. Where the hell is she? Why isn’t she coming?” I growled waltzing into her room upstairs only to find her closet open and empty.
I searched her room calling her name and then bathroom only to find it empty too.
So, s-she l-left? Like really left me? Tears welled up in my eyes as I finally figured out what happened and I didn’t know I was capable of crying until that moment. The hell, I didn’t even cry when I knew the truth about my father’s death or when I got a call that Elle had an accident last year.
W-why did she leave me? She didn’t even write a good bye letter this time.
She gave you a good bye date last night, my mind reminded. Is that why she was sad yesterday?
‘I love you. Remember that I’ll always love you’
‘I will do anything for you Jace’
‘I will miss you’
Her words rang in my ears as I dropped on to her bed that still smelled like her and closed my eyes remembering every damn thing that happened ever since I met her in the store.
How I wish she is here in my arms right now. How I wish I could have said that I love her so damn much that it literally pains my heart and I truly feel like dying seeing her gone.
Why did she leave me? Would she have stayed if I told her that I loved her? Would it have been different if I confessed to her?
I can’t blame anyone but me now. I behaved like a wimp and never confessed to her, not even when she said to me one last time that she loved me. May be she thought that I don’t love her and don’t deserve the unconditional love she showered to me which might have made her say ‘I know how you feel’
Was I wrong to think yesterday that she knew I loved her? Yeah, may be. If she knew she wouldn’t have left, definitely.
Or did she know I was planning to go after her and didn’t want me to ruin my life. Is that what she meant when she said ‘I will do anything for you’
My inner turmoil was interrupted by Lily who sat beside me and mumbled slowly “You love her”
I nodded meekly “Now I know what you meant by heartbreak”
“Oh, Jason” she mumbled placing a hand on my shoulder.
“Did she tell you why she was leaving?” I asked slowly after a long time of silence.
“She came with her bags packed early in the morning today when I was in the kitchen and told me she was leaving. I asked her if you knew about it and why she was doing this. She simply replied it’s good for you in the long run and left not even bothering to say goodbye to Em”
Good for me in the long run? How? By getting me used to heartbreak?
“She left her car for me and also told me to tell you that she loves you so much and that you are the best thing that’s ever happened to her”
I chuckled humorlessly not knowing what to say to that. Is that what she wanted me to know? Just that?
I don’t know how long I stayed like that after Lily left until Emily came and sat beside me.
“She loves you so much. I don’t understand why she left” she mumbled quietly.
“That makes two of us” I laughed humorlessly again lying on the bed on my stomach. I still can’t find the possible answer for her sudden leave.
“I wish she said goodbye to me at least; we stayed under the same roof” she muttered bitterly as a tear escaped her eyes.
I nodded in understanding taking her into my arms and she cried on my shoulder complaining her stupidity.
“Do you know which Uni she was planning to attend?” I asked forming a plan in my mind.
“She got a couple of acceptance letters but I didn’t bother to check. I asked her number of times where she decided to go but she never gave an answer” she said sobbing a bit.
I closed my eyes realizing my plan failed before it begun. Where should I search her now?
“What are you going to do about Alex? Have you decided where you are going?” I asked slowly wanting to forget the pain in my heart and stop the storm that’s so close to bursting in my eyes.
“I will wait for him to complete school. I am taking break from studies for a year”
“What? What are you going to do in the mean time?” I asked feeling shocked.
“Anna recommended me to Tom to give me a job at the store to which he agreed. I will be working full time there after summer”
“I didn’t know this. Did your mom agree?” I exclaimed still shocked by her statement.
“I told her that I love him and yes, she agreed after a bit of persuasion”
“I am happy for you” I stated, genuinely trying to smile; I am happy for my friend.
“I am sorry Jason. I wish I knew about her plans, I would have tried something to stop her”
“I know you would and it’s not your mistake” I said. The only person to be blamed is me- it’s my mistake for not confessing my feelings to her. All of this could be avoided if I manned up and told her that I loved her.
After staying there for a while I left their house and made my way back home regretting my decision the minute I stepped foot inside.
Every damn place reminded me of her. Was it only yesterday night that I kissed her on the couch in the living room? Was it only yesterday I had dinner with her at the dining table? Was it only yesterday I made out with her in the kitchen and was completely turned on by her delicious feminine scent? Was it only yesterday we talked about the shit in my life?
Everything seemed so far away including her. Why did everything have to change? Why can’t my life be perfect like it was when I was with her?
Now, more than ever I felt she is the one for me. She is the one I am going to propose sitting on my knee giving a sappy speech about how much I loved her. She is the one I am going to wait for, at the altar wanting her to be forever mine. She is the one I am going to have beautiful kids with who’d look just like her. She is the one I am going to grow old watching our kids grow and have a perfect love like ours. Except that, she is not here anymore to share all of that with me in the future.
Why didn’t I realize any of this before? People rightly say you realize the value of a person only when you lose them. Everything made sense now, only after I lost her.
When did I become so sappy?
“I heard what happened” Gabe announced lying beside me on my bed interrupting my thoughts.
“Please don’t say anything. I want to be left alone” I mumbled looking at the ceiling not even turning to his direction.
He stayed until night that day not saying anything about Anna leaving me to my thoughts except the times he forced me to have something. Of course I denied everything until he blackmailed he will only leave when I have dinner and I had to oblige since I was left with no other option.
Years passed like that; or maybe they are just days or hours, I don’t even know. I didn’t know she mattered to me so much until she left. I didn’t know I loved her more than anything or anyone else in this world until she left.
How ironic to realize you needed someone like how you needed oxygen only after you lost them.
Every day reminded me how stupid and naïve I was to not realize her decision to leave. In the days of her sudden absence from my life, my friends proved to be my support again trying to distract my thoughts away from her but nothing worked. I tried to look happy for them but I know they didn’t believe my fake smiles.
The first week was spent with an anticipation of her return; I secretly hoped she would come back to me but she didn’t. I realized she is not going to come back in the second week making me more depressed yet ready to finally accept the truth. During the third week I realized life has to go on and decided to continue my studies and go to Uni. However I was given a surprise visit amidst my grief all of a sudden by Cheryl.
“What are you doing here?” I asked scowling at her.
“Hi Jason” she murmured not meeting my eyes.
“Answer my question” I snapped at her.
“I came to say sorry, I heard what happened”
“You came to rub it on my face?” I asked angrily.
“No Jason, I didn’t come here to hurt you. I wanted to say sorry, I know how much you love her” she mumbled looking guilty.
I glared at her while she flinched at my reaction. I know she did nothing in the past few months to me or Anna but still I don’t like her pitying on my condition.
“What are you saying?” I asked slowly trying to keep my emotions under control.
“What? You think I don’t know? Common Jason everyone knew how you felt about her. Your feelings were written all over your face”
“Well she definitely didn’t see it then” I said grudgingly.
She chuckled humorlessly “I don’t know what to say about that. All I can say is that I am sorry Jason, for everything. I was jealous seeing how you cared for her and how everything about her mattered to you. That didn’t go well with my ego and I did horrible things to her. I wish I got to say sorry to her”
“Why did you come now?” I asked feeling suspicious of her actions. How the hell did she know about what happened in my life? No one knew apart from my family and friends and I am sure my friends would never blurt out something that personal to me.
“Your mom called me yesterday. She said that Anna left and advised me to chase you” she shrugged.
“WHAT? Is that why you are here?” I yelled angrily.
“No, I know your mom won’t stop pestering me unless she knew I tried. But I didn’t come for her; I came to say sorry knowing how heartbroken you might be”
Should I trust her? Did she really come to apologize to me? And my mom!! Doesn’t she get tired of her tactics? She wants to set me up with Cheryl when I am wallowing in misery.
I can’t believe I am saying this but my mom is really a BITCH.
“You are forgiven” I said shocking myself. How come I am forgiving her so easily after everything she’d done to me and Anna? Why?
Well, why can’t I? Why can’t I forgive her when Anna can forgive her dad for not staying with her all those years and Daniel for everything he’d done.
“You really love her so much, don’t you?” she asked shocking me.
When I didn’t reply anything she continued “You should have called her family to know where she went”
“I called her dad who told me she didn’t come there. However he said he will find out about her but I never got any call back. I think she must have told him not to tell me anything” I confessed surprised with the way our conversation was flowing. However I don’t want her company and wanted to be left alone.
“I think you should go” I said finally to which she mumbled a goodbye and left me alone to my thoughts again.
“What the hell was she doing here?” Gabe shouted coming through the door Cheryl left a few moments ago.
I explained everything she said to me while he listened patiently, without asking questions.
“How are you?” Gabe asked softly after a while.
“I am not on my death bed Gabe” I scowled at him.
“I liked how you were always cheery and happy when you were with her” he said looking at me.
I need not ask him who he meant by ‘her’ since I know he was speaking about Anna. I know he missed her just like me; may be not as much as me but still.
When I didn’t reply anything “You turned to your old self Jason, I don’t like this side of you”
“Thank you so much” I said sarcastically with a bitter look on my face.
“When was the last time you smiled?” He asked with a thoughtful look on his face
I thought for a moment before replying “When I confessed to Anna that I wanted to bite her” Hearing him chuckle I continued “And when she told me how Em would be my half-sister if Mark married Lily”
“You are smiling” he said with a slight smile.
I thought of saying ‘No shit, Sherlock’ but instead rolled my eyes and kept calm.
“You rarely talk to us” he said sadly.
“Well, duh! I am not a girl” I gave a sarcastic response again.
“Shut up idiot” he said making me remember the times she called me idiot and how she used to tease me when I wanted her to call me baby.
“I am sorry” Gabe said bobbing his head down in shame obviously understanding my pain while I replied “Not your fault”
“You know what we should do?” he started and without waiting for my answer he continued “We should go shopping”
I scoffed at his idea while he continued “Get ready Jason, we have to go shopping. You will leave next week to Chicago, don’t you? Don’t you need decent clothes for Uni?”
As much as I hate to admit it, he has a point. I don’t have many formal clothes and if I want an internship I need nice clothes to make a good impression. Reluctantly I got ready and went along with him though I am in no mood to buy anything.
“Do you think she would have stayed if I told her that I love her” I said looking ahead of me while he was behind the wheel.
He stopped the car with a sudden jerk eyeing me like I just confessed I was dropped from an alien ship “You l-love her?”
Rolling my eyes I replied “Of course I do but I never told her. I can’t stop blaming myself that things would have been different if I’ve confessed”
He looked shocked but finally replied “You may be right but don’t you think she can’t leave you?”
“I thought the same thing in the first few days of her absence; now I don’t know what to expect anymore”
“You know what I think? I think she won’t leave you like that”
“That’s the worst thing of all. She didn’t break up with me and left me hanging; not that I would allow her to do that” I said feeling miserable.
“I can’t believe you finally confessed that you love her” he said looking surprised starting the vehicle.
“Shut up Gabe, I don’t want to start again” I said trying to change the subject.
We went to the Mall in the city which was crowded with lots of couples making me realize I have never come to this place with Anna. I was always happy that she wasn’t one of those girls who loved shopping and could go on and on at it with nothing in mind, not even food.
All these days I thought I couldn’t forget her since I was constantly reminded of the moments we shared at familiar places but coming here proved me I can never forget her even when I come to a place that had no history with me and her.
We walked into a men’s store and checked out formal clothes, jeans, t-shirts in addition to shorts and boxers. After paying for everything Gabe selected for me since I am in no way capable to think or act straight which took less than half an hour we made our way to KFC for an early dinner.
After having dinner we walked crossing various shops to go back home when we heard someone yell Gabe’s name. The place was crowded and Gabe told me to stand in the same position walking towards the person who called him while I was stuck in my whirlpool of memories with Anna.
Why is that every place reminds me of her? Even when we’ve never been there?
I was deep in my thoughts barely hearing what Gabe told about finding his uncle who is buying a ring for his girlfriend to propose and asked Gabe to accompany him. I tagged along with him not wanting to be left alone when my mind is stuck up in its inner turmoil.
“Hi, I am Bryan. I guess we already saw each other at Gabe’s house, you are Jason right?” his uncle who looked very familiar introduced himself. I think I have seen him in some Gabe’s family get together but I don’t exactly remember when I saw him.
“Yeah, I am. Its nice meeting you Bryan”
“The pleasure is all mine. Thanks to both of you for agreeing to help me out” he replied smiling.
I followed Gabe and his uncle into a jeweler showroom and we stood in front of the diamond section facing a vast collection of beautiful rings.
Great, another reminder of her. Why is that my mind keeps reminding her at every place I visit? It’s just a stupid shop, isn’t it?
Or maybe the shop I would’ve visited after few years if everything went fine, but sadly it didn’t. And I don’t know if I’ll ever come back here in the near future shopping a ring for my future fiancée.
“I think this one is good” Gabe advised his uncle while my eyes wandered from one ring to another displayed in the shelves trying to block the images of her in my mind.
“That’s far too big, she loves simple things” Bryan said and I pointed a simple yet elegant ring that stood different from the others.
The woman behind the counter brought the ring out and showed it to us for a close observation. It was perfect, something I would prefer for Anna.
Stop thinking about her dammit.
“This is so good” I heard Bryan say who observed the ring for a while until he decided it’s perfect for his girlfriend.
They paid while I waited for them outside the shop and left the mall after bidding Bryan goodbye who thanked me for helping him out while my mind was still on the girl I loved and still love.
After two days I realized my life was still a mess and in spite of knowing that Uni starts in another fifteen days I didn’t care about anything while Gabe helped me buy a lot of things when he went shopping for himself. He is going to New York while Drake is leaving for Mexico; I don’t know how they will work it out since people always face problems with long distance relationships but I hope they make it since I know they are perfect for each other. Just like me and Anna
Gabe did a lot of things for me while I was recovering from the heart ache; he talked with a cousin of his whose friend is staying in Illinois, Chicago near to North Eastern University, the place I am going to spend the next four years and talked to him about my accommodation. His cousin’s friend Steve agreed to share his flat with me which is just a twenty five minute drive to the Uni.
I still had two weeks to spend here before college but Gabe being the ‘I-know-it –all’ planned a road trip to cheer me up and made me leave the town ten days early; I don’t know how the hell will it cheer me up if it takes more than 48 hours to reach Chicago. Yes, he planned a road trip to Chicago; only me and him. I know it’s stupid of him but I didn’t have the strength to fight him and so let him be.
On the day of leaving all my friends came up to my house to say goodbye; it felt very bad to leave all of them but I hope it’s not the end. I hope we keep meeting each other in the future in addition to keeping in touch through phone.
‘There’s always WhatsApp’ Kyle joked while Blaise said he will find advance equipment and sneak it into my room to find out what happens in my life; I hope he didn’t attach any stuff to my bag. Hunter cried like a baby just like Elle and Em who didn’t leave my arms for fifteen minutes crying their eyes out that they are going to miss me.
I know I will miss all of them too but I also know that life has to go on.
Alex soothed Emily that I will come back after few days but she yelled at him saying he was only telling that to make her feel better. However I didn’t miss the tension between Elle and Kyle who didn’t meet each other’s eyes; I understood there is a problem in their relationship which made me feel guilty that I was not there for my sister when she needed me the most but I know she can get through it. After all she’s stronger than me.
My mom said goodbye to me in the morning itself when she left for clinic while Mark stayed by me reminding me of the necessary stuff to be packed. I guess my mom will never change; I don’t know how Elle can get through it without me and Kyle and so I asked Emily to take care of her who agreed happily saying she will always be there for her friend.
Later when we started on our long journey in my Ferrari, I asked Gabe about Elle who said Elle and Kyle wanted to try long distance relationship but both are apprehensive about it making them fight the past few days regarding the decision to make. I hope everything will be alright; I want neither my friend nor my sister to get hurt in the process.
The journey which I thought would be boring was in fact fun; we stopped during nights at motels and drove on the road stopping at different places, trying different foods and seeing new cities that I’ve never heard of which eased my mind. Though I was reminded of the journeys I had with Anna to Shealin and her home town, it didn’t dampen my mind; if it did something, it brought a smile on my face remembering the fun I had when I was with her.
Finally after three days we reached Chicago, tired and exhausted yet excited to see it for the first time. Gabe called Steve about the address while I drove through the roads with the help of GPS in my car and reached a five floor apartment that looked a few years old.
We parked my car between a Toyota and silver Porsche and got out making our way towards the elevator. When Gabe told Steve’s flat is in fourth floor, I pressed the number 4 and waited for it to reach there.
We walked towards the flat and I was about to knock the door when Gabe told Steve isn’t home but left his keys under the welcome carpet for us.
He quickly unlocked while I pulled my bags along with me entering the house. I didn’t bother checking around and walked towards the living when Gabe pointed to the room near the kitchen and said it was mine while he walked into the room close to the living.
Not knowing what to say I walked forward and opened the door to my room where I would be spending my next four years and froze seeing the one person haunting my dreams since a month– Anna.
“Surprise!!!” she shrieked with a big grin on her face.
---
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Last chapter will be updated tomorrow. There's still an epilogue and an extra chap left which might take few days since I haven't started writing.
This chap was the easiest to write(7 hours to write and 2 hours to edit); I don't know why it was so easy to write a heartbreak. Sorry if you find more grammar mistakes than usual; I'll update when I get time
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- Janaki
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