disneyland...
There was a strange feeling raising from my chest. It's a good strange feeling, actually. I smiled to myself and focused on the road.
My phone ran suddenly, which distracted me for a few short seconds. I saw the name of the contact number on the screen and got scared as my pupil dilated.
- H-hello? - I hesitated.
- Tobin, did you see the baby seat in my car? It disappeared all of a sudden.
I laughed drily as I took a quick glimpse at the infamous seat that she was talking about being installed against the back seat of my car through the mirror.
- Huh? Why do you ask me? I don't even live with you guys. - I played dumb.
Sorry, my sweet sweet sis-in-law.
- Ah no, you just stopped by and the seat was still there before you came, so I was wondering if you saw it somewhere that your brother or I accidentally left after we took it off. We cleaned the back seat once in awhile so.
- A-ah. - I pretended that I understood .
- Did you see it?
- No, I didn't.
- Ok, then. It's so freaking weird. I mean it was just there this morning. - her voice sounded a little frustrated, however, very quickly she got over it and accepted the fact that she just lost the seat.
- Anyway, whatever. We still have an old one from a few years ago.
- Oh, that's good then. - I tried to control my voice so I wouldn't get caught.
- Kay, bye. Have fun today. - she said as if she knew where I was heading to.
- W-why do I have to have fun? I am allowed to not have fun at all, ok?!
I don't know what had gotten into me that I decided to give such response to her, however, I regretted it immediately though. Fucking stupid me! Ugh!
- Why so serious, man? I was just saying whatever. - she got dumbfounded because of my surprisingly puzzling response.
- Nothing. I'm just a little bit sensitive in the afternoon. - I lied to make this end as soon as possible.
- I'm sorry. - sis said.
- No, I'm sorry, Alice.
And then I hung up and exhaled strongly. I almost suffocated to death from the situation. Just not ready to be found out by other people what I was about to do, that's all.
I parked my car by the sidewalk and got off to walk towards the door of her father's place.
I cleared my throat, breathed in my hands to check if my breath smelled, flattened my clothes once again because of anxiety and placed the tip of my finger on the bell button. I exhaled strongly and finally gathered all my courage to press it.
- Jesus. - I rubbed my chest once the bell rang. It wasn't that loud, I just got startled by my own conscience.
A minute or so later, someone opened the door.
- Tobin. - her sweet voice called out for my name.
- Hi. - I tried to act as natural as possible, but instead of being natural, I waved my hand to her as if I was here as Heather's kindergarten friend instead of her mother's friend.
Realized how weird I must have looked, my lowered my hand and hid it behind my back, very very awkwardly and embarrassingly.
Chris covered her mouth and let out a little laugh. She said:
- I didn't know we agreed to meet today. Or I forgot to note to myself. Lemme check.
When she was about to search herself for her phone, I stopped her by word:
- No, we didn't. But let's just go to Disneyland.
- Disneyland? All of a sudden? - she laughed again.
I might sound randomly bazaar but here me out, alright?
- Remember the other day Pinoe said about going to Disneyland at Ali's house?
Good job myself! I didn't stutter! Very good!
- Yeh, but Pinoe was just being an ass to you. - she slightly shrugged.
I scratched my head. The last thing I wanted right at that moment is to leave this house without her and Heather, so I pushed forward to it:
- She's an ass but her idea isn't too bad.
Did I sound convincing? I thought I did.
- Are you sure? - she asked skeptically.
I slightly nodded.
- Yeh.
Too nervous to keep this going so I drove to another topic for an escape:
- Where's Heather?
I also wanna see her as well.
- Playing inside.
I squinted my eyes while looking at her up and down, and finally clicked my tongue judgementally:
- Do you... wanna change clothes or we'll just do pajamas party at Disneyland?
She seemed confused, but then looked herself up and down as well.
- Oh. - she burst out laughing.
Don't laugh. Gosh, that laugh was going to suffocate me.
- I'll see you in 30 minutes? - my lips got really dry as if they were a desert themselves.
I tried to hold myself up and compress my own adrenaline although it goes against science; however, I still had to do it, otherwise I would lose my shit in just one second. The anxiety hit me real hard. My heart was beating so fast. My armpits, groin and every little secret corner on my body be sweating immensely. She might not realize this because half of the door had covered the truth that I had to push my hand against the wall to be able to stand upright.
- Alright. - she gave me the last smile before she turned around.
- But-
- Huh? What? - I got so nervous so I cut her off without realizing it.
Oh God. She caught me! I wanna slap myself and punch myself in the stomach.
She got me this time, so excitement displayed on her face.
- We're really going? - she asked for a final confirmation.
I nodded without saying a word because I just couldn't trust my mouth any longer.
- You wanna go inside? My father is not home.
Usually, when a girl talks like this back in my young days, it means she wants me over and wants a piece of me, but since we're getting old and there was a child in the house, I was gonna convince myself that it really just meant that her father wasn't home and that was it.
I shook my head:
- I'll wait out here.
Her father was not home anyway, no one was there for me to say hi, so there was no point of going in. And besides that, I didn't trust myself for being just a door away from where Christen Press changed her clothes.
Her little smile before she turned around knocked me out. I immediately closed the door and supported myself by leaning against it. I adjusted the neckline of my shirt down so I could breathe again. I honestly almost passed out earlier.
That woman just breathed, and talked and smiled and my heart had already gone crazy for her.
But anyway. We were going! Can you believe this?! My coward since birth ass finally could get something done!!
I smiled to myself as I patted my own head and gave myself a congratulations.
We were going as (I) planned, and there was no way in the world I would let myself be turned down this time, so I just went for it with all that I could think of. Fortunately, it worked!
Fuck, that was so close. Luckily, I didn't faint, otherwise we would head to emergency department instead of disneyfuckingland.
About 40 minutes later, she came out with a children bag that has princesses details on it. Don't ask me what princess, I don't know much about that. That irony is imagining going to Disneyland without knowing any characters accept the old ones such as Snow White or Sleeping Beauty. To be honest, I don't even know what their real names are.
She opened the door and were as beautiful as ever. The both of them I'm talking about. I almost got fooled by my own vision because I thought it was just a dream.
Chris was wearing a sporty outfit with a white tank top, a pair of black track pants, and the Jordan design of last year. Heather was in a pink dress with white leggings, her hair was put into a cute little messy buns and her curly baby hair made her look even cuter than the first time we met. I just wanna squeeze her in my arms until she screamed for an escape. She's a little muffin that I decided I would take care of for the rest of my life if I'm allowed.
- Tobiiiiiiiiin. - her suddenly jumping into my arms made me laugh hysterically.
- Do you still remember me? - I asked.
- I do. You are Tobin number 17! - she was so excited she danced in my arms, just like a little puppy being overwhelmingly happy when their friend is back from a long day at work.
I lifted my eyes to look at Chris. At the moment, she was so focused on admiring her daughter's cuteness overload that she almost forgot I was there, which was a good thing because it helped me have a few seconds to admire the woman of my dream. Her smile that showed her perfect and white teeth, the twinkles in her eyes that made my heart dance its way out of my chest, her little chuckles that sent me all the way to the ninth cloud. I love her. I really do. Nothing in this world can deny it. The love is so obvious that it made me tear up a little in that short moment.
- Oh. - Heather acted surprised which made me curious.
- What's wrong, little one? - I asked as concerns creeped in between my words.
- You are wearing the same clothes. - her innocent eyes shifted slowly from me to her mom as her tiny index finger pointed at the same direction as her eyes looked.
I confusing looked at myself, and then Chris. Finally, Chris's eyes and mine met. The next second we knew we had already burst into laughter.
- That's right. We really do. - Chris said, rubbing Heather's head.
I just now noticed it. I also wore a black re-inc hat, a white re-inc t-shirt, black re-inc track pants and an old pair of red-white Jordan, but only slightly different in color.
- Should I... should I change clothes? - she asked.
I know she was being considerate since she wouldn't wish to make anyone misunderstand the relationship between us; however, I couldn't help but hurt a little.
I drew a smile across my face then shook my head:
- It's just clothes. Who cares, right?
- Right. - she gave an awkward shrug and a little smile from force.
- Shall we really get going? - I scooped Heather into my arms, and didn't forget to poke her tiny cute nose which made her laugh.
- Wait a sec. I'll be back after uninstalling the kid chair from my dad's car.
- Wait. - I pulled her back by suddenly grabbing her forearm.
I was startled by my own action and pulled my hand back to myself.
- Sorry. - I whispered. Wiped my hand with my pants spontaneously.
When I finally came to my senses and knew what I had just done in front of her, it'd already too late. Pain had shown all over the look her eyes.
- It's ok. - Chris smiled weakly.
- But what were you gonna say?
- Ah. - I scratched my head as I stupidly beamed.
- I got the seat, so don't worry. Just hop in.
As we have already known, I stole my nephew's car seat. It's all right. My brother could afford another one.
- Oh! Excellent! Where did you get it? - Chris smiled so brightly.
She looked so beautiful with that spontaneously sudden smile, what the fuck?
- I... it just happened like that. - I shrugged with a stupid smile on my face.
Of course I wasn't gonna tell her I stole that shit.
One hand holding Heather, the other hand reached for the car door handle and opened the door for her.
- Thank you. - she blushed a little out of surprise, but immediately got on the car.
- You shouldn't have to. - she said in a small voice but was loud enough for me to hear it.
I smiled like an idiot as soon as she finished the sentence, but closed the door instantly and opened the back door for Heather to hide how stupid I might look at that moment. I just couldn't stop smiling! I wanna slap my self to get my shit together! Lord, please help me!!
I put Heather in the seat, put her seatbelt on and gave her a little smooch on the forehead. It surprised me as soon as my lips placed on her little head, but it was too late to pull back and Heather seemed to enjoy as she beamed so brightly at me. Honestly, I didn't even know why I did that to the little girl. It happened like that spontaneously. Just like a habit. And that was only the second time we met.
Weird.
I breathe out in relief and closed the door.
"Chris didn't see it, did she?" - I asked myself and got nervous all over again.
I hope I didn't look like I was trying too hard for us to look like a family at that moment. I didn't mean it, it was genuinely out of my control.
I got on the car too and looked around awkwardly as I didn't dare shifting my eyes anywhere near her figure. I cleared my throat to hopefully clear up my own anxiety.
- Oh. I almost forgot. - suddenly I remembered something I should have done.
- Chris, can you open the drawer in front of you for me?
Chris got confused for a few seconds before she nodded:
- Ok.
- Can you get what is inside that paper bag for me?
She opened it and pulled out a white shirt. I smiled as soon as I saw that cute little white thing in her hand.
I took it from her and waved the shirt in front of Heather.
- This is for you. - I said.
- Wow! - she reached out and took it in her hand.
Her excitement and the brightness pf her pour smile lit up the whole sky above us.
- Say thank you, Heather. - Christen said.
- Thank you, Tobin! I love it! Can I wear it now??!! - her high pitch made my heart jump from overjoy.
- Of course you can. You're welcome. - I said.
- We... You have launched a kid line now? - Chris asked, which made me shift my eyes from Heather to her.
- Not yet. It's coming in Feb. Pinoe and Kling are pushing it really hard right now. They are working the butts off for this so hopefully it will be as successful as others.
- It will, I promise.
- Thanks.
- Heather, you are the first person ever to have this. Are you happy?
- Really?! That's so cooooool!!! I am sooooo happy, mommy!!
- Look mommy! We look like a family!! - her innocent voice filled up the car and created a thick layer of awkward silence upon us.
- Should we get going? - she asked, trying to change the topic real quick.
- A-Oh. Let's go.
I turned my head to look at Heather before we drove off:
- Heather, let's go!!!
- Let's go!!!!
Chris said nothing, reacted nothing. Her emotionless face fixed in a straightforward direction. She looked right ahead as if she refused to know what was happening around her.
I couldn't help my being hurt a little. I quickly took my glare back before she knew how pathetic I must have look while couldn't being helped but wearing my heart on my sleeve because of her.
I swallowed saliva since my throat tasted so bitter. It's driving me crazy. I slightly licked my upper lip as a whispering thought came across my mind: "That girl, she is everything but mine."
We arrived at Disneyland. Seeing Heather so excited made my heart dance.
- Where is Heather Carson?
- YES! - she wheezed out of happiness.
- Hold my hand so tight, squeeze it, crush it, so you won't get lost in the crowd, are you aware? - I asked, have out my hand to her as she naturally grabbed it.
As soon as her little hand was in mine, magically it almost felt like my life had completed.
- YES MA'AM! - her scream made Chris and me burst out laughing.
--------------------
Chris and I smiled to Heather who was enjoying her strawberry ice-cream after anticipating a lot of games without complaining about the fact that we had to wait in lines for more than half of the hours we spent there. She looked like an angel with that brightest smile across her little face.
- I was surprised to find out you had been living in LA for years.
I looked over to the voice that seemed to talk to me.
- You used to hate California so much. You even call it the cursed temple that mother nature has abandoned. - Chris chuckled at my description about LA.
I still hate it even until now.
Of course it is a cursed temple due to the fact that people who live here have to evacuate at least two times a year due to wildlife fire, and also the traffic here is crazy all the time. We don't even have a golden hour here, we are just in traffic jam as soon as we exit our house door.
- What makes you live here?
I shrugged.
- You know... people. - I jerked the corner of my lips.
She nodded as if she understood what I meant.
- I get it. The family is here. Ali, Ashlyn, Pinoe, Sky. - she went on and on so confidently without listing the main person that influenced me to live in this cursed temple.
And your family, too, Chris. I thought you would come back to visit your father one day so I had been waiting here patiently. And then one day... Finally, you're here. And one day... eventually, you're still against the idea of me and you being together. But I was happy because at least you were here, I could see you with my own eyes; I could find a lame ass excuse to come over to your father's house whenever I missed you. The best blessing had come to my life already because you were finally where I could reach.
I smiled to her to make her feel like she was right about the whole the-family-is-here.
But aside from this conversation and other conversations that involved Heather, we rarely talked to each other. We even tried hard to avoid any physical contacts, or even eye contact. I guess whenever she looked at me, she would think about the kiss, the conversation that night at Ali's house, the night that we both agreed to erase like it had never existed (besides from the fact that the Naehers saw everything).
Chris took Heather to the toilet, so I was left alone. I immediately got my phone out and called my one and only life savor.
- Pinoe. - I whispered and looked around like a thief as if someone would hear me.
- Here. - she responded.
- So we're at Disney right now and every time Heather isn't around, we're so awkward, we don't know what to do.
I was disappointed in myself, I must admit.
- Oh so you took my advice. I see. - Pinoe teased me.
- Well, it isn't bad when I gave it another thought.
- People who like each other usually be like that when they're left alone. Do you know why?
- Why? - I was extremely curious, so I concentrated as much as I could.
- Because they have to restrain the urge of jumping on to each other.
- Pinoe. - I rolled my eyes.
I thought she was all serious about my hardship, but then she went ahead and said something like that.
- Don't tell me you're not like that.
- Whatever. - I ignored her.
- What do I have to do to make it more natural to start a new conversation? - I asked her with all the genuineness in me. I really really had to know.
- Just go with the flow. Don't restrain your feelings and be yourself. Things will be figured out by themselves.
- Really?
The way she talked about it is so easy. It's not like I have the most interesting personality in the world, and me restraining myself is the same as me not restraining myself. I am THAT boring, so how was I supposed to go with the fucking flow? Oh my God.
- Yes. Hold her hand, hold her bag, fix her hair. Do whatever your heart guides you, then everything will go smoother than your expectation.
- The thing is... Pinoe. It's embarrassing to say this, but that is not my heart wants. I am not you, so I never even once thought about it.
- Good Lord, Tobin. - she sighed.
- Chill, baby. Chill. Christen is her first love, but Christen and she never date, so the outcome is she never actually dates anyone.
- Skylar! You're on my blacklist! - I warned her.
- I see, baby. You're right. I should go easy on her. - Pinoe ignored me and agreed with her wife.
- But I-
- You fantasized about it many MANY times, I know. - Megan Rapinoe cut me off.
If she wasn't my one and only savior, she wouldn't have lived this long.
- If this is not what my heart wants, do it anyway. Please, if you don't wanna lose her again. - she threatened me.
- Meg is right. Your heart is incapable of those wants and needs, Tobin.
Sky. This little shit. I would sue her for defamation! Just wait until I got home. My lawyer would be there at their house.
Oh shit. We have the same lawyer.
- Can I trust you on this? - I kept it skeptical as always but they are the Rapinoes.
Pinoe clicked her tongue arrogantly:
- Sky, she is asking if she can trust me on this.
- You can, Tobs! She is the expert and I am the study!
I almost ate my tongue because of Sky's unexpected response. No one could be more creative than Pinoe's wife, I swear.
- Be strong, we're at home rooting for you!
And with that, we ended our conversation.
The Rapinoes were right. People don't live because they love it, they live because they have to. Who cares what my heart wants to do, because it's not capable of wanting anything that's good for me and encouraged me anyway. I'd rather do what they advised.
- Tobin.
I turned around and there was the most adorable human being looking up at me.
- Heather. You done? - I asked.
- Yes. - she nodded, but I noticed that the bright smile on her face was gone.
- What's wrong? - I kneeled down in front of her and asked concerningly.
- My legs hurt.
- Oh no. - I squinted.
We completely forgot about the baby trolley, because hers was in Chris's father's car, and I never thought about the fact that a 3-year-old would refuse to walk at some point. I should have remembered and stole the baby trolley from my brother's house too. Damn it.
- I'm so sorry, baby. Just a little more, we're going home now. - Chris also comforted her by rubbing her head gently.
She nodded because she was such a good girl.
I picked up the picnic bag from the ground and gave my hand out to ask Christen to give me her bag too.
- I'm fine, To-
I pulled it from her anyway, and held it in my other hand. I then turned my back to Heather and sat down slowly.
- Heather, hop on! - I suggested.
- YESSS!!! - she was so excited and hopped on my back immediately.
Her warm front pressed against my back made me so happy that all the tiredness that day went away.
- No, no, Heather. Tobin will faint. - Chris pulled her back down.
- I'm ok. - I looked at Chris and gave her an assuring smile.
- I'm ok, Heather. Let's do this.
- I'll do it. I'll carry her. You have carried my bag already so now my hands are free. - she insisted.
I shook my head.
- Keep yourself free. I'll take care of everything.
I don't know what my words did to her but she stood there and looked at me silently, which Heather took the advantage of her losing focus and climbed back on my back.
- Let's go!! - I screamed.
- Let's go!!! - Heather yelled after me.
We had started walking already, but Chris was still standing there, motionless, as her eyes followed our backs.
- What's wrong with your mother, Heather? - I asked her.
She shook her little head against my head and innocently replied:
- She did this the other day.
- When?
- I put my dirty clothes in the basket by myself.
- Oh. - I nodded.
Heather's hint still didn't give me any clues at all.
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