...be the love of my next life...
Got out of the taxi, I stumbled on my feet.
- Be careful. - the taxi driver reminded me, concerned.
- I'll be ok. - I gave him my crooked smile from all the alcohol that I consumed.
- See you next time. - he shouted after me.
I waved him off while trying my best to balance my steps so I wouldn't fall over. I wasn't drunk. I knew exactly what I was doing. It's just that ever since the incident I caused on the night after her wedding day, I could no longer be drunk.
The headache and dizziness was crazy, this way of mustering courage sure as hell has some terrible side effects that make people regret in the morning. But again, everyone knows those all too well by their heart that they will keep using this method over and over again because it is the most effective.
I stared at the door deadly.
One second.
Two seconds.
Three seconds.
...
Ten seconds.
I started to count my own breath and my doing gradually took my breath away.
I pulled out my phone to dial a number, and it took awhile for the person to pick up. Everything made perfect sense there since it was already 2 in the morning, but finally there it was, the voice that I wanted to hear all day, all night, and for the rest of my life.
- Tobin? What happened? - her voice was a little bit sleepy, but it was the most beautiful sound.
- Chris, we need to talk. - I said.
- What's with your voice? - she sounded worried.
- Nothing. Can we talk, please? - I asked again.
- Sure, what do you wanna talk about?
I could imagine Christen Press sitting herself up and adjusting her pajamas while getting ready to hear me out.
- Go outside. - I told her.
- What for? - confusion took over her.
- I'm here... to see you. - the space in the middle of the sentence occurred because of my heart breaking apart. I was in so much pain just listening to her voice.
Everything about her broke me, but also healed me. I didn't even know what was going on anymore.
The coldness of LA's night could not sober me up. My body was burning up as my heart was beating inside my throat. Adrenaline rushed through my entire body, the level of my nervousness shot through the roof, all of a sudden, my intestines seemed like they wanted to go to war, and that very internal feeling made me wanna take a dump.
- Huh? - she still couldn't believe her ears.
- Get your ass out of the house, I have something to say! - I raised my voice to sound tough, to not let myself break down and collapse.
- Oh... Kay.
I hung up on her right after that. Not because I wanted to look determined and intimidating, but because I was terrified that I would pass out if the call lasted any longer. I just couldn't breathe probably with her voice in my ear.
Back then, I always held myself back, because I was constantly frightened of the imagination of ruining Chris's perfect happiness. I was trying to be considerate without anyone asking for it, and was even blinded by that imagination of my own to have the audacity to call what she was experiencing "happiness". But now, I am not going to do that anymore. Instead of holding myself back, I will hold on to her.
The door cracked open and Chris appeared in front of me like the most unrealistic creature in the world.
- Tobin. - her soft voice calling my name, driving me crazy.
- Christen. - I breathed out her name.
- As much as I love you... like... like pulling my heart and soul out to love you, you don't love me at all. - I stuttered, and those stutters were unintentional but necessary, because the cracks in the sentence represented how my heart was breaking apart.
I bit my bottom lip to swallow the tears that had an urge to push their way out.
- What makes you say that, Tobin Heath? - she looked very angry. To the point she would rip me apart if I wasn't someone she kept close to her heart.
I knew she loved me. Of course, I knew. But if I didn't say that, would she even do anything about our mutual feelings? Those strong and passionate emotions towards her were killing me alive, eating me up as a whole, but what about her? Was she ok with it after all?
And even if she was ok, fuck her for that. How dared her when I was in so much pain?
- Do you even like me, Christen Press? - I kept pushing her until I could hear her admitting it with her own mouth.
- Of course I do. You know it better than anyone else. - she was so furious of what I accused of her, she couldn't catch up her breath.
- Then why are you doing this to me? To us? Can we just fucking be together? I'm single, you've divorced. What is there between us? Nothing. - something that the non-alcoholic me would never be able to say. Impressive, right?
The audacity to say those words out loud. Alcohol is a toxicity, it made you say some crazy shit that you would never be able to take back.
- Tobin, listen. Listen to what I am about to say. Engrave them onto your heart. I dare you never to forget them for the rest of your life.
She looked so damn cool taking control over our conversation just like that. Attractive.
- I hoped your heart would be shattered! Your life would be ruined! I hoped you never recover, dive yourself in misery! I hoped you would die in pain, the pain would prolong to an after life!
The tears rolled down on her face, she bit her lips while trying to hold herself back from bursting out crying soundly. The veins on her temples popped up because of her tremendous holding back. She was fighting back her emotion but I was just uselessly standing there and watching her draining herself with all those tears leaving her big brown eyes.
- Not. - she added. Chris then lifted her face up to force herself to stop shedding tears.
She gave herself a second to breathe before she looked down and stared deeply into my eyes. Her soft voice crushed my soul shattered:
- Tobin, I hoped you peace, and I forgave you.
I grabbed her forearm and pulled her smashing into my body. I dug my fingers into her back, slid my arms across it and embraced her as tight as I could ever do to anybody.
- Christen, I am never going to let you go again. Never. Mark my words. I will never let the history repeat itself once again.
Buried my face into the crook of her neck, I inhaled the smell that had never been this strong as I had never had many chances to be this close to her.
- Tobin. - she called my name dearly as she wrapped her arms around my waist and hugged me right back.
- Uh.
- I'm not in the place where I can date someone.
What she said made me sigh and have to make us apart.
- Why? What place are you in? Tell me so I can move there with you. Once I'm at the same place as you, let's fucking date, Christen Press. I'm too old for another episode of being a coward.
I was so sick of everything. So sick of a life without her in my sight. I was just goddamn sick of it that I felt like puking just thinking about the matter.
- Tobin, you know my place. I share a daughter with someone.
- And? - I was frustrated that I wanted to yell at her and scold her for being too stubborn, but then again, I didn't have a heart to raise my voice at her. I loved her a little too much for that.
- I can't-
I cut her off before she could make excuse for another departure from me.
- You can't keep Heather here in LA, but if you let go of her, you can't live? Is that where your place is?
- Yes. - she nodded.
- I have just told you, haven't I? I'll fucking move there. I will move!!! Can we date now?! This is so fucking frustrating!! You are so fucking frustrating!!!
I just had enough of all those shit. I just wanna us to be with the person we truly love. How was that too much to ask for?
- Tobin. - she sighed.
She clearly didn't believe me, which was her misjudgment because going wherever she goes was gonna be my ultimate goal in life and I had decided it before I came to have this coversation.
- When should we go? Should I start packing? Working long distance with Pinoe and Kling is very easy, especially with the modern world we're living in nowadays. Just tell me when, I'll have a talk with them and we will move to Paris.
She chuckled.
- Uhm... tonight? - she joked.
And the joke's on her because I would seriously do it without a second thought.
- Ok. Tonight it is. I'll meet up with Pinoe and call Kling. They'll agree straightaway.
She laughed as if I was just an impulsive teenager who doesn't know a thing about this world. But only thing she didn't know that I was too mature as a teenager and didn't get to do all the impulsive shit that a teenager should do, so because of that, I would like to live like that at least once in my life, being a proper teenager.
- Christen, listen. You can draw as many lines as you wish. You can build as many walls as you please. You can make as many electric fences as you want. I'm going to cut all those lines, break down all those walls, find all the switchers to those fences and turn them the fuck off. I will do it, Christen. You are stuck with me. I'm not the Tobin Stupid Heath I used to be anymore. I used to wish for your happiness whenever you were in the world. But now, I will be the person who creates the happiness that I used to wish for you. I will make you happy, I will help you make yourself happy. I am not the girl who is afraid of losing a friendship anymore. I have too many friends now, I don't need more, ok? It's not like I can kiss and sleep with a friend, so I'm done making friends, let's date, Christen. Let's kiss and sleep and wake up next to each other. I cannot afford to lose you one more time. I will never miss out on you again. I will keep you by my side, and the closest to my heart. I will be selfish and cruel. I love you, Christen Press. So so so much it's killing me.
She giggled because of what I said.
Tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear, Christen Press softly voiced:
- You are not selfish, you are not crude. You are the kindest, most passionate, most beautiful person I have ever met.
- Then let's not break up ever. Because I don't think I will ever get over you.
- Who told you that we're dating? - she smirked.
- What? We aren't?
- No. - she shook her head.
- Then let's date. - I shrugged because it's that simple.
- No.
- What?!
I was about to go crazy but she added:
- Joking. Let's date, Tobin Heath.
-----------------------------------------------
We sat on the stair of her father's porch and watched the night pass by.
- It took me a teenager to be with you. - I said.
- What? - she was so confused.
- You don't get it? 17 years. A teenager. - I explained.
Christen Press burst out laughing when the tears on her face weren't even dried yet.
- Oh my God, Tobin. - she lovingly nudged my arm for being silly.
- Christen.
- Huh? - her eyes sparkled as she looked into mine.
- When I die, I need you to know that you will still be the love of my next life, and next life, and the life after, and it keeps going and going.
She smiled so brightly after hearing that from me.
- How much do you love me, Tobin Heath?
I couldn't respond.
I loved her to the point I was speechless.
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