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He kept scrambling through the pages, hoping that her journal would reveal what she thought about him.

"DD/MM/20XX,

Today, I met a boy at the Galileo Conference, Han Yu Jin. His presentation about the possibility of lifeforms on other planets was damn good. I even thought that he was studying astrobiology in uni. But no, he was the same age as me, applying for med school. I was so amazed. Working in the MR team was interesting, yet I really hope that one day, I'll be standing there like him."

So that was her impression about him. Yu Jin could never believe that there would be anybody who thought highly of him like her.

"24/12/20XX,

Today was my first Christmas hanging out with Yu Jin. I feel so good that I could show him how wonderful offals taste before I die."

This must be referring to the time when they had BBQ together on their first Christmas.

"DD/MM/20XY,

I got mad at Yu Jin today when he found my tablets. I knew it wasn't right of me to overreact like that, but I was really angry then. I've been trying to keep my cancer a secret, and now one of my friends might know it. He is a med school applicant, so he might know that kind of drug was for cancer treatment. But after all, let's hope that he doesn't. "

This was the first time Yu Jin saw Eun Chae being furious at him, and also when he found out about her illness. Tears began to cloud his eyes as he went on reading.

"DD/MM/20XY,

This morning, I found myself sleeping in Yu Jin's arms. I even kissed him last night. It was extremely embarrassing and I really don't wanna talk about it. He told me that I had been drunk last night. I hope I didn't say anything stupid. In addition, this might sound weird, but I think I have some feelings for Yu Jin."

So she also liked him. She really did. Yu Jin really wished that he had chosen to confess his feelings to her that night.

"DD/MM/20XY,

I was so emotional that I cried like a baby in front of Yu Jin today. I hurt him yesterday although he was trying his best to take care of me. I was the one who needed to say sorry. But he apologised to me first and even bought me an expensive book. I wondered why he was so nice to me. If I was him, I would never be able to be that nice to a girl who badly hurt me with such awful words."

This must be the time when Yu Jin and Eun Chae reconciled after a big argument at the hospital when she refused to eat the sandwiches that he brought her.

"DD/MM/20XY,

Tomorrow is Chuseok. I'm so excited cuz I'm dining out with Yu Jin. I said that I loved Western food just for fun, but he really reserved a table at a very good Western restaurant. He was so nice. By the way, I guess I'm gonna confess my feelings to him tomorrow at the dinner. I really want to let him know how much I like him, which I've been keeping to myself for too long. I don't expect him to agree to be my boyfriend, I just want him to know that. Even if he turns me down, it's totally fine."

This was where her journal cut short.

Some tears fell onto the pages as Yu Jin collapsed and sobbed like a child. It was because of his cowardice that he could never be her true boyfriend. He was so afraid that he could not confess his love to her, without even knowing that she also felt the same. He should have told her, even though it sounded a little risky, even though it was only to make him feel better. "Nooooo!" His voice cracked as he shouted out loud.

But Yu Jin knew it was not the end of everything. Eun Chae mentioned that she wrote some farewell letters to everyone. She surely wrote one for him, and he craved reading it. Flipping to the last pages, he finally found what he was searching for.

"Farewell letters (draft):

To all the people I love, this is my last goodbye to all of you (some of you will be separately addressed later on).

This might sound redundant, but when you all read this, then I must be dead already.

I know it was selfish of me to keep my pancreatic cancer as a secret to most of you and I apologise for that. I just want to have a normal life, to share fun times and laughter with all of you. That's the reason why I did not tell you about my illness until now that I am no longer in this world.

I surmise some of you will have something you want to tell me, but you couldn't, am I right? Then find other people to talk to, and tell them what you want them to know, don't keep it to yourself. Maybe tomorrow they will be gone too, just like me, so don't hesitate. If you love them, tell them. If you hate them, tell them too. It's now too late to tell me anything, but you can still tell them.

To the uncles and aunties who took care of me in the orphanage, I was really grateful that I met you. Thank you for raising me up into the Hong Eun Chae that I'll never regret becoming. Please live a good life and provide a home for all the other orphans who are unfortunate like me.

And this is to my parents, whom I never had the chance to meet. Mom and dad, I don't know what happened that made me end up growing in the orphanage, but  I still love you all. Thanks a lot for bringing me to this world so that I discover its beauty. I hope that I'll see you all in heaven, and we will again become a family.

To all of you, don't feel sad because I left, but please be happy that I came. My life was short, but it was memorable, at least that's how I feel. For me, it does not matter how long, but how well I live. I have lived a meaningful life, and I will be happy to leave the world even at the most beautiful time of it. All of you should go on to have a fulfilling life, so that when you go to heaven, you will not have anything to regret."

******

Finishing reading the farewell letter for everyone she knew, Yu Jin was surprised to find out that he was the first one Eun Chae chose to address personally.

"Hi Yu Jin, how are you doing? You must be very sad since I left, right? Well, I'll allow you to grieve for a while, but don't cry for too long, OK?

I have a lot to tell you, but let's deal with the business stuff first. From now on, this journal is yours, you can keep it. But please show it to all the people who are supposed to read it too. In addition, my handphone password is 101106. You're gonna see a lot of valuable pictures of us in my phone, so I want you to keep it too. There are also a lot of photos that I took with my friends, so show those to them too.

Now let's get to the next part which will be a bit weepier. There are a lot of things to say, and I really don't know where to start (Believe it or not, I'm crying out of nowhere when I start writing this part).

First of all, thanks for being my friend! At the time I write this letter, we haven't even known each other for a year yet, but I feel like our time together is way more than that. Perhaps, my life seems fuller because you're with me. Since I grew up in the orphanage, I don't really know how it feels to be loved by somebody, and then you show me what it's like. You love me as a friend, you care for me and you are willing to help me at any time. You are always there when I need you. You remember that time when you hugged me and told me you needed me before leaving the hospital? After you were gone, I cried a lot. I was so emotional then, because it was the first time in my whole life that I realised there was somebody who needed me. But you know what? I also need you. You teach me a lot of things too. Looking at how persistent you are in pursuing you dream and how you strive to overcome all the obstacles, I'm genuinely inspired. I admire you a lot and I'm so grateful that there are enthusiastic and headstrong people who are like you in this world. Before I knew you, my life was very dull and dreary. I was devastated because of my illness. I was afraid of dying. I had nobody to talk to about all the fears I've been enduring. Then you entered my life, accidentally found out my secret, and I now have a guy to share with.

Next, I believe in you. I'm sure that you will achieve your dream to be a doctor one day. You may even win a Nobel prize just like what you told me when we watched the meteor together at Yangpyeong. I know that your parents currently do not approve of you. But trust me, they will very soon, so don't worry. Just keep doing the thing you love and be persevered. You are not outstandingly smart, but you are very hard-working and diligent, so don't you ever be discouraged. Just remember what I say now: YOU'RE GREAT!

In addition, I love you. Not as a friend, I'm truly in love with you. I don't know when my feelings began, but I guess it should be when we went to Yangpyeong to watch the meteor, or maybe a little before that. We kissed for the first time, remember? Actually, I was lying when I said I wanted to know how it felt like to have a kiss before I died. The truth was I wanted you to kiss me, and I only told you that to ensure that you had no way to turn me down (Don't get mad, I'm sorry). When I was still alive, I didn't tell you because I didn't want to bother you with a relationship which wouldn't go anywhere. But since I'm already dead now, why shouldn't I be honest with you, right? By the way, you have always been asking me about why I kept shipping you with other girls, so now I'm telling you the answer. It was actually because I wanted to see your reaction when I did so, to see if you really liked any girl or not. To be honest, I'd be a bit annoyed if you did like any girl other than me (Am I being too selfish? If yes, then I'm sorry).

Last but not least, have a good life, make new friends and don't let my death weigh you down. I don't want you to forget me, of course, but I don't want you to grieve endlessly because of me either. Whenever you miss me, look up at the stars, I'll be one of them."

Yu Jin sat in down her chair and dropped his face onto her desk, weeping and moaning. He felt as if she was still here. Her voice echoed incessantly in his head and her image appeared in front of him, as vividly as when she was still alive, with her round baby-like face smiling at him. But he knew that those were all illusions.

If she was here, he would rush over to her, hug her tight and never let go of her again. He wanted to thank her for being so nice to him, for lifting his spirits during tough times, for being his inspiration as well as motivation, and also...for needing him. Throughout their time together, Yu Jin had always been assuming that he was the only one who truly needed the other. He had never expected that there would be somebody who needed him, and Eun Chae was not an exception. For his whole life, there had never been anyone who came to him and told him that they needed him, making Yu Jin think about himself as an 'invisible' guy whose life was absolutely meaningless to other people. However, all of a sudden, he had a girl who needed him, loved him and cared for him.

******

The next day, Yu Jin arranged an appointment with Hae Rin at a café. He would show Hae Rin the journal, just like what Eun Chae wished before she left the world. Developing PTSD after Eun Chae's death, Yu Jin feared that something terrible might happen to Hae Rin on her way. Fortunately, all those anxious thoughts did not come true and she arrived even earlier than expected.

"Hey Han Yu Jin," she strode to his table and raised her voice, grabbing his collar, "Why didn't you come to Eun Chae's funeral. You said you love her, and that was what you do?"

"I'm sorry, I was just...I didn't dare to come...I'm afraid that I'll cr..."

Even before Yu Jin could finish his sentence, a strange sound sprang to his ear. He could feel a force exerted on his face, making it go completely numb, like an electric shock. It took him a while to comprehend what just happened. Hae Rin had just slapped him.