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∞

How should I put it? I have no idea

There's much to say, yet all have disappeared into my heart

The blue tranquil sky is so far away

Having you by my side makes me feel at peace

The endless road, the endless horizon

The burning years fly by, what an endless wait

When happiness blossoms in my heart, at that moment

I'd like you by my side, sharing it together

In the silent of nights, I have prayed for you

Hoping that I can be the present in your life

When happiness blossoms in my heart, at that moment

I'd like you by my side, sharing it together

—《Present》Xu Wei

∞

Xiao Li had only slept for a moment before he was woken up by the alarm.

The alarm clock was placed on the bedside table next to Qi Xiuyuan who generally could not tolerate the harsh ear-piercing sound for more than five seconds. He would turn it off, move in extra close and bury his chin that had just grown stubbles into Xiao Li's neck for a good while—only after that will he get up and go wash his face.

However, today's alarm rung for much quite longer than usual.

Xiao Li's eyes were still closed as he reached out to push Qi Xiuyuan, but his fingers touched the cool bedsheets instead.

He opened his eyes and turned over to sit up, now completely awake.

This was the first time after they had got together that Qi Xiuyuan stayed out all night. The cause was that they had an argument and Qi Xiuyuan decided to "calm down".

Xiao Li massaged the spaced between his eyebrows and then reached out to turn off the alarm before he lightly gripped his hair and remained daze for a while.

He thought of Qi Xiuyuan tightened lips and knitted brows as he stared at him. Qi Xiuyuan was very intelligent and quick to respond, but there was unexpectedly a day where he actually couldn't say anything because of him.

Maybe he was really angry.

Xiao Li sighed with a headache and got off the bed. Usually, he would tidy up the bed when Qi Xiuyuan was washing up and then when he washed up, Qi Xiuyuan would prepare a simple breakfast. They would eat and chat casually just like all those old couples.

Today, Xiao Li was not in the mood to clean up at all, but as he looked down to see that just one side of the bed was covered by the quilt and the other was flat, he felt especially unpleasant.

He quickly folded the quilt and looked up to see the book that Qi Xiuyuan had only read halfway next to the alarm clock. Qi Xiuyuan was the kind of person who would give his favorite book a leather cover for protection. He loves books very much, but when he read the book halfway and goes to do other things, he would always leave the book open and flip it over on the table or some sort of flat surface nearby—even after he finished the book, he still wouldn't close it.

Xiao Li walked over and picked up the book, wrote down the page number then he closed it and pushed it beneath the Qi Xiuyuan's pillow.

"Calm down" certainly included no phone calls, but Xiao Li still hasn't turned off his cell phone for the entire night. He had even kept it in the pocket of his casual home clothes while he washed up.

He absent-mindedly straightened out himself and casually cooked some noodles to eat. Over the years, he was aware that he had made enormous progress in cooking, but compared to Qi Xiuyuan, it was still inadequate; even making noodles seemed to lack something.

After he had hastily finished this tasteless breakfast, Xiao Li locked the doors and went downstairs. When he walked toward the direction outside of the neighborhood, he ran into Old Lady Li who lived in the opposite building at the door just as he returned from buying breakfast.

The elderly lady with a head of white hair glanced at him cautiously first then she glanced at the spot behind him only to expose a slightly surprise expression upon not seeing Qi Xiuyuan.

Xiao Li brushed past her with neither greeting the other. He and Qi Xiuyuan had lived here for two years, and have always been very low-key, but with two single men living together, the loving expressions in their eyes could not be controlled sometimes. Some of the neighbors' eyes have gradually become less friendly.

Xiao Li did not mind this, contrariwise, what made him silently force a slight smile was that whenever Old Lady Li saw him, she would subconsciously look for Qi Xiuyuan.

They had always walked out the door together, practically every day for the last two years. On a working day, they would walk together to the neighborhood gated entrance. After he accompanied Qi Xiuyuan until the public bus to the school arrived, he would start his nearly one-hour morning run to work that was in the opposite direction; on their rest days, they would leave half an hour later than usual then go for a walk in the park across the street.

Although Qi Xiuyuan was not here, Xiao Li still habitually went to the bus stop. He stood for a while and decided not to run today and since he didn't sleep well for the entire night yesterday, his eyes were feeling uncomfortable; he really didn't have the energy to move.

He crossed the road, preparing to go to the opposite stop to wait for the right bus, but when he got to the middle of the road, his cell phone sounded.

Xiao Li was distracted and was nearly hit by a cyclist who was rushing to work.

He ran to the platform and hurriedly took out his mobile phone; the call was from Xiao Yang.

"Ge, are you eating with Qi dage?"

"I finished."

"Really![1] Susu and I had purposely let it be for half a day, yet you two ate that fast..." Xiao Yang half-joked, half-complaint, "Ge, did you talk with Qi dage about the matter I discussed with you last time?"

"Not yet."

"How come you haven't talked with him after such a long time, huh? How about I directly ask him myself?"

Xiao Li didn't know how to answer. Just then the bus that he had been waiting arrived, giving him an excuse to let Xiao Yang wait. When he sat on the bus, he said, "It's better if I talk it over with him."

Xiao Yang asked a bit baffled: "Ge, what happened? You sound so unhappy. Did you have an argument with Qi dage?" Without waiting for Xiao Li to answer, he laughed first. "What did I just say, how could the two of you argue, huh? Ah, it's impossible for there to be a fallout."

Xiao Li frowned: "Doesn't long distance international calls cost money? If there's nothing else, I'm hanging up."

Of course, the two had an argument.

—

When they first arrived in the city, they had argued.

At that time, they had been away from their hometown for three years already. They had just started to use their real identity and Qi Xiuyuan began to use his own bank account.

He first bought a leather jacket for Xiao Li. The texture was soft, and the workmanship was exquisite. According to Qi Xiuyuan, it contrasted beautifully against Xiao Li' skin—especially his waistline. The price was, of course, extremely high. It was three to four times more expensive than all the clothes they had combined at that time.

After Xiao Li knew what the price was, he almost returned that leather jacket, but Qi Xiuyuan was extremely excited as he pounced on him on the bed and took off his trousers and insisted that he wear that jacket. First, he gave him oral sex then he rubbed their members together and had even let him release three times.

Consequently, Xiao Li knew then that Qi Xiuyuan really liked the way he wore that jacket, so he no longer mentioned about returning it; not to mention, the leather was already contaminated with certain bodily fluids... even if it was cleaned until not a trace remained, he had no face to return it.

After the results, ever since then, Qi Xiuyuan began to incessantly find reasons to acquire all sorts of expensive clothing, electronic equipment, and other miscellaneous things, each of which had prices that were astronomical high. The most expensive was the suit that was prepared to participate in Xiao Yang and Susu's wedding ceremony, and then there was the watch that he gave him to celebrate the fourth-year anniversary of when they met. One time, Xiao Li had only casually complained about the sunlight harshly glaring in his eyes, and Qi Xiuyuan immediately bought him a pair of unnecessarily pricey sunglasses.

Xiao Li was utterly annoyed and had talked to Qi Xiuyuan about this several times. Qi Xiuyuan had only half-heartedly recognized his mistake while gifting him a rare bottle of perfume as his birthday present.

Although Xiao Li felt that it was quite hard to endure, he still waited for a few days as not to ruin Qi Xiuyuan's feelings too much. Then he asked him: "Can I return the perfume?"

Qi Xiuyuan was at a loss, "Why? That perfume really suits you."

"I'm a man..."

"Actually, abroad..."

"I'm not a foreigner."

When Qi Xiuyuan saw that he was not happy, he immediately eased his tone. "It's not something valuable, just take it as a little toy and leave it there. Why return it?"

Xiao Li let his sentence "not something valuable" stop him from speaking for a long time. Finally, he sighed: "You were the one that found me the work."

"How could it be considered that? Work that involves repairing cars isn't that lucrative. Even if you go and look around yourself, you will also find them."

Xiao Li shook his head, "I don't want to repair cars. I want to open my own repair shop in the future. If you didn't ask your classmate, where would I have found such a qualified worker to take me in and guide me on how to do business?" He went on to say, "When we return, later on, the money used to open the shop will definitely come from you as well."

"That's only natural. Didn't we talk this talk about this properly already?"

Xiao Li took a deep breath: "You take care of my work, you take care of me opening a shop, and now you also buy me this and that. Qi Xiuyuan," he asked bluntly. "Are you supporting[2] me?"

Qi Xiuyuan laughed and said: "What does that have to do with this? If it's supporting, there should at least be a house and a car, right? Then when we return..." He looked at Xiao Li's serious expression, and his voice weakened before he smiled helplessly. "Xiao Li, those are just presents. You can also give me some."

Xiao Li frowned: "I can't afford such expensive things."

Hearing that made Qi Xiuyuan stared at Xiao Li for a long time—the look in his eyes was full of extreme complications. Xiao Li had always felt that he was criticized by his eyes. He sighed and moved in close and then reached out to hold the back of Qi Xiuyuan's neck before their foreheads touched. "Don't buy such expensive things for me."

Qi Xiuyuan did not move and merely asked: "What if I buy it for myself?"

Xiao Li smiled slightly: "Of course, you can." He wanted to kiss Qi Xiuyuan, but Qi Xiuyuan leaned his face to the side and avoided him. After that, he then tried to stand up.

"Qi Xiuyuan?" Qi Xiuyuan had never avoided any intimate contact with him before—this time, it was really unprecedented. Xiao Li was nervous and confused; he held Qi Xiuyuan's arm, not letting him move.

They looked at each other for a while until Qi Xiuyuan finally seemed to be discouraged. He comprisingly reached out, wrapped his hand around his waist, and gently kissed his lips. Then he said, "Those gifts are meant to make you happy but since you're not happy, I will pay closer attention."

Although this argument ended like that, Xiao Li had always felt that its aftermath lasted for a long time. During that time, Qi Xiuyuan often gazed at him not only as if he wanted to say something and then hesitated, but also seemingly listless... until his birthday; after he and Xiao Li had spent the entire day messing around in bed, he returned to his previous state.

—

As the number of people on the bus gradually increased, Xiao Li returned to his sense. He got out of the bus ahead of time, looked at his watch, and slowly walked toward the repair shop.

The morning light was pure and soft, and the air was fresh, but Xiao Li's brows were wrinkled the entire time.

The repair shop was opened by Qi Xiuyuan's classmate, and the person who normally handled business affairs was that classmate's father named Lao Wang. He was also a famous martial artist here. When Xiao Li arrived, Lao Wang was following the usual training session, watching as several young disciples practiced the Shaolin long-fist move in the small park next to the repair shop.

The few teenagers practicing was around twelve, thirteen years of age. Lao Wang was observing them with his hands clasped behind his back; behind him stood several younger boys and girls with widened eyes, watching devotedly as their shixiong and shijie[3] made their moves.

Since Xiao Li did not want to disturb Lao Wang's teaching, he waved at him from a distant. Just as Lao Wang nodded at him, his five-year-old grandson Wang Xiaolong scuttled out from behind him. Then like a small rocket, he flew all the way over to pounce on Xiao Li's legs.

"Shidi, shidi,"[4] he looked up and shouted loudly. "Shoulder ride!"

Xiao Li smiled, leaned over and picked up Wang Xiaolong before putting him on his shoulder.

Wang Xiaolong laughed happily and pointed to a tree not far away: "Charge!"

With him on his shoulder, Xiao Li lightly ran toward that tree up ahead but suddenly his shoulders slanted. Wang Xiaolong screamed and fell. Xiao Li picked him up again and lifted him for a while until he placed him down.

Wang Xiaolong's face was red as he clapped his hands excitedly: "Do it again!"

Xiao Li shook his head, "Only once a day."

Those words made Wang Xiaolong a bit disappointed. He thought about it and said: "Then, play with me for a while."

Xiao Li looked at his watch in a pretentious manner, but when he saw Wang Xiaolong became anxious, he said: "Okay." Then he sat down on the chair next to the tree.

Wang Xiaolong climbed onto the chair and sat next to him. He took two pieces of candy from his pocket and handed one over to Xiao Li before he slowly peeled off the wrapper of his own candy.

Xiao Li turned his body slightly sideways and looked down at him. Perhaps because of the scar on his face, Lao Wang's other disciples hid from him—except for Wang Xiaolong. Since Lao Wang had jokingly said that Xiao Li had been accepted as a disciple, Wang Xiaolong finally achieved his dream of being someone else's shixiong. He always called Xiao Li, "shidi, shidi," and especially love to bother him to play with him. He was very clever and has a good temper. Xiao Li really likes him a lot.

With the candy in his mouth, Wang Xiaolong took the candy wrapper and rolled it up into a ball then he looked up at Xiao Li and spoke with distress in his voice. "Shidi, I can't participate in the competition this year."

"Why?"

"I lost again." He frowned and looked in the distant at a child who was practicing the long-fist technique alone with Lao Wang. "How come I can never beat Hang-Hang gege?"[5]

"Because he is older than you by three years," Xiao Li replied practically.

Wang Xiaolong merely looked at him suspiciously, "My dad is also older than you but he can't beat you."

Xiao Li smiled again, "We're adults."

Wang Xiaolong contemplated, "When I grow up, can I beat Hang-Hang gege?"

"Then you have to work hard."

Wang Xiaolong still wanted to talk to him some more, but Lao Wang looked over and hooked his fingers at him.

"Hurry up and come here."

With that, Wang Xiaolong jumped off the chair and had only run two steps when he turned around with a worried expression. "Next time, you have to give me another shoulder ride."

Xiao Li smiled and waved back at him. He only stood up and to walk toward the repair shop after he saw him begin to practice his long-fist technique.

The roller shutters outside the shop had been raised, allowing the glass door to reflect the morning light. As Xiao Li reached out toward the door handle, he saw Qi Xiuyuan standing behind the glass door looking at him.

He was taken aback and pulled the door open: "How come you're here? When did you arrive?"

Qi Xiuyuan appeared to be exhausted and there was also the faint odor of alcohol lingering on his body. He glanced at Xiao Li and then in the distant at Wang Xiaolong.

"I came to talk with you."

—

"Do you really like that kid?"

They sat in the chair where Xiao Li and Wang Xiaolong had sat in just now and watched the children practice in the distance before Qi Xiuyuan suddenly asked that sentence out of the blues.

Xiao Li nodded: "That one is a clever and quick-witted kid."

Qi Xiuyuan did not speak for a while but when he did, his voice lacked emotion and sounded sunken. He asked, "Do you want a child?"

Xiao Li was instantly baffled. When he reacted, he watched as Qi Xiuyuan turned his face to the side to stare at him with a solemn expression that sought to observe him.

"Why do you say that?"

Qi Xiuyuan's lips moved as if he wanted to sneer but failed. He turned his head back: "You said it like that to me yesterday."

"I was talking about you," Xiao Li said, frowning. He didn't like it when Qi Xiuyuan talked to him without looking at him, but it was too inappropriate to grab him by the collar and turn him over in front of a group of teenagers' lines of sight. He simply got up and stood in front of Qi Xiuyuan. "I said that you should have a child."

This time, Qi Xiuyuan successfully sneered and also stood up to face Xiao Li: "You didn't word it like that before, you said I must find a woman."

The frown on Xiao Li's face remained: "That's not my original wording, don't you... I mean you should have a child, even if you have to find a willing woman... now, paying..."

"What's the difference?" Qi Xiuyuan interrupted him, then reached out and pressed the space between his eyebrows, feeling annoyed. "Xiao Li, I didn't want to argue with you, but I am different from you. I can't get hard with a woman. I have never thought about having any child in my life, don't you know that?" He sighed and looked at Xiao Li, "What I find difficult to bear is that you think it is okay to find a woman. If one day you want a child, would you also go and find a woman?"

Xiao Li looked at him incredulously: "I mean you, Qi Xiuyuan. I don't want a child."

Qi Xiuyuan shook his head: "I'm not being foolish. I just saw you playing with that kid. Your appearance..." He sighed, "Xiao Li. If you're together with me, there will be no child. I don't want one nor do I wish for you to go and find a woman. If you can't accept that then it will become a problem between us sooner or later."

Xiao Li felt that Qi Xiuyuan was simply baffled: "I will not go and find a woman."

Those words only made Qi Xiuyuan answered with a question. "Then why do you think it is okay for me to look?"

"Because I think that you should have a child. I just think that if you don't have a child..." Xiao Li looked at him, "How can you not have your own child? In life, people..." He looked at Qi Xiuyuan's expression, unable to continue.

"What?" Qi Xiuyuan asked with a low tone, "'In life, people...' then? Must have your own child?' So I must have my own child, but you don't want a child? But then you still like kids so much... do you think that you are making sacrifices for me? If you think so, one day you will come to hate me. One day you will feel that the days you spent with me was a waste of time, you will want to..."

Xiao Li was angry: "What do you think about in your mind all day long?" He no longer cared who was behind him looking as he reached out and grabbed Qi Xiuyuan's hand. "I am willing to be with you. If you do not change, I will never change."

"Why do you have to take me as an object of reference? What do you, yourself, think?" Qi Xiuyuan asked closely to get to the heart of the matter. "If one day I waver, will you turn around and leave without retrieving or fighting for me at all? Are you eager for me to waver?"

The strength in Xiao Li's hand that grasped Qi Xiuyuan increased uncontrollably. Qi Xiuyuan gritted his teeth roughly and stared at him.

Suddenly, Xiao Li let go and stepped back: "What the hell are you doing in this drunken fit?"

Qi Xiuyuan looked at him with many intense emotions in his eyes that were changing. Xiao Li felt that that kind of expression in his eyes was very familiar, but he couldn't remember when he saw it. Just as he was thinking, Qi Xiuyuan sighed again. Qi Xiuyuan sighed: "I'm not drunk to that point. I... I have wanted to tell you for a long time now. All along..."

Xiao Li looked at him cautiously: "What?"

Qi Xiuyuan maintained eye contact with him, "Do you remember the few times that I gifted you those expensive presents and you said that I was supporting you?"

"What does that have to do with the matter now?"

Qi Xiuyuan smiled faintly, but the smile was obviously riddled with broken-heartedness. "At that time, I wanted to tell you that since we have been together for so long, my money is yours. I used your money to buy things for you, should I have not? That's considered what, supporting? But you actually said that if I buy it for myself, it was okay no matter how expensive it was, but it wasn't okay to buy it for you." He sighed again, "Xiao Li, when will you understand? I am not an outsider, not your creditor, I don't want to be your creditor. Everything I do, I did them willingly. You don't have to feel like you owe me."

Xiao Li opened his mouth, but he unexpectedly could not give forth an answer.

Qi Xiuyuan reached out to wipe his own face before he forced a bitter smile. "If you don't feel like you owe me, why would you be willing to not want a child, but hope that I have one? Xiao Li, if you are like this... I used to think that you will change, but you are always like this. Perhaps, the amount of feelings that you and I have for each other are not the same... but, I don't mind that. However, if you still have this kind of mentality, there will be problems between us sooner or later. I hope the reason that you did not want me to wasteful because you were worried about our joint assets and not because you are afraid of owing me more. I hope that you are by my side because you love me and not because I have not changed which made you feel that you should also not change from a moral point of view... don't do this to me."

They looked at each other for a long time. That was until they heard the children bid farewell to Lao Wang after they finished practicing their long-fist in the small public square. Qi Xiuyuan moved and looked directly at Xiao Li's eyes and said, "Xiao Li, you think clearly. What exactly do you want? I... I understand that you may be eager for a family now, eager for a complete family with your own children, but with me, that will be impossible to achieve. You don't have to worry about me. Do you still not know me? I can always make you feel relieved, no matter what you choose, I... there's no problem." He finished those words with difficulty then lowered his eyes, "When you have thought it through clear, give me a call. I have a place to stay at for the time being."

When he finished, he turned and walked away without looking at Xiao Li again.

—

The song at the beginning of the chapter:

許巍 Xu Wei - 禮物 Present

The author hand-picked it to fit XL and QXY's relationship T.T I love the singer's voice huhu

https://youtu.be/N04V4ZxwoKw

Translator's Note:

I knew this part of the novel was coming soon or later since the topic of children is pretty normal for any couple. I actually don't blame XL for mentioning this... I mean the way he said it might have come as a shock to QXY but it is another obstacle they have to overcome. We know where QXY stands, XL needs to find himself and accept that for QXY, he is the only one for him. See you guys tomorrow for the last part - I had to split it since it was nearly 20 pages long. 

1 真是的 zhēnshide - Really! (interj. of annoyance or frustration)

2 包养 bāoyǎng - to provide for / to keep (a mistress); it has a negative hint to it

3 shīxiōng/shījiě 师兄师姐 - senior male/female fellow student or apprentice/son/daughter (older than oneself) of one's teacher

4 shīdì 师弟 - young disciple (of the same master) / younger or junior male schoolmate - so Wang Xiaolong is kind of calling Xiao Li "younger brother"

5 gege - older brother/used for someone older