Chapter 17 - Be my girlfriend (A)
Disgusted. That’s what I feel about myself seeing Jason like this. The pained expression on his face made me want to die the worst death possible; he looked cold and distant. The minute I went to his seat to say sorry, he walked away not giving me a chance to explain; like I would tell him anything, my mind snapped back. He didn't deserve it, any of it. I have hurt the one person who made my life pleasant with just his presence, the one person who didn't judge me based on what I wear or eat, the one person who's been with me no matter what people thought about him hanging around a loser like me, the very person who I wouldn't dare to upset even in my dreams but still did.
This has to happen when I thought everything's going to be OK and life would be back to normal. For the first time in my life I feel more hurt than the person who I somehow managed to hurt without any personal intentions and this hurt like a bitch...
I myself don’t know why I ran away from him. Was it because I was scared it might just be a New Year kiss to him while it meant the world to me or was it because I was scared he might say it was just a mistake on his part . Or maybe I was more scared he might know that I am in love with him.
Whatever might be the reasons, I shouldn’t have run away like that. I should have waited for him to say something even if it is something like ‘Just forget that happened’ or something like ‘That shouldn’t have happened’. Instead I chickened out like I always did and hurt him.
Seeing Jason like this took my pain and guilt to another level since he wasn't like this even after he found out Cheryl was cheating on him which made me feel even worse and the fact that we share almost all the classes including lunch isn't helping either.
The lunches turned to be boring and awkward these days with everyone knowing something's wrong with him. Some understood I might be the one responsible for this and didn't press matters while others like Kyle kept asking what's wrong with him.
Somehow Elle, Em and Gabe seemed to notice the awkwardness and always tried to change the topic when anyone brings it up with him which made me wonder if I was doing the right thing sitting with the group.
So I did the only thing that I thought would be best for them; However sitting with Blake turned out to be worse than I expected since I could feel Jason's glares on my back throughout the lunch period which made me doubt my decision, in my defense I don't know anyone except him apart from the group.
May be this would stop if I pick up courage and tell him about my feelings; but what if he doesn’t like me back? That would surely make things more awkward.
“Why are you doing this Anna?” Blake asked snapping me out of my reverie.
“I am sorry for dragging you into my mess” I said looking anywhere but him.
“It’s OK, I don't mind sitting with you. It’s just that--- if looks could kill I would be buried under the ground you are sitting by now” he said looking behind me.
“Oh, I am so sorry. I didn't know anyone else and can’t sit alone because then everyone would know I am responsible for his shitty mood”
He chuckled “You sure have come a long way... Maybe Jason is really good for you”
I smiled at him as he added “But did you think how he would feel knowing you ditched sitting with him for me, especially after what happened with Cheryl”
Turned out I am a bigger douche than I thought I was. He is right; I didn't realize that until he pointed it out. I am sitting with the same person who his ex-girlfriend cheated on, that too after I rejected him, or so he must have thought.
“I don’t know what’s right anymore” I admitted honestly. Never had I thought I’ll take Blake’s help to stay away from Jason and our group, but here I am sitting with him discussing my problems. And out of all people, I had to ask him to help me; that too after what I did to him.
“I am sorry Blake” I said to him. Though we aren’t good friends he agreed to help me even if he has to face the wrath of Jason which made him a good person basically. Player or not, I did a bad thing to him.
“For what?” he asked looking confused.
“For Cheryl, for everything. I was responsible for the video though I didn’t have a clue that it was going to be played in the gym in front of the whole senior class. I am sorry I messed it up” I said lowering my head in shame.
“Why?” he asked pain evident in his voice.
“I didn’t want Jason to know through someone else. So, I put the camera in that room planning to show him only if he didn’t believe me. But--- But--- Blaise had other plans” I croaked
He sighed heavily and said almost in a whisper “That’s ok. I can’t blame you for how things turned out but can you answer something. Were you--- umm--- jealous of her?”
I smiled at the irony. It was the exact question I kept asking myself the whole time I was planning to find out about them. So, I replied sincerely “No, I didn’t do it because I was jealous. I wanted him to know the truth because I didn’t want him to be hurt and planned to show only if he didn’t believe me. I promise it was never my intention to show you in bad light or Cheryl even but I messed it up”
After a long silence he smiled “I know you’ll never hurt anyone intentionally but thanks for telling me”
“I am sorry Blake. I really am” I said finally allowing the tears to fall freely down my face.
“Hey its ok.. Everything’s good now, I forgive you” he said patting the back of my hand with his palm rubbing it in a comforting way.
“Thank you” I said wiping the tears with the other hand.
“Do you—I mean did you love her?” I asked curiously.
“Cheryl? No. I liked her a lot though” He responded.
“Did she--?” I trailed off not knowing if the answer would make me feel less bad or more though I know it wouldn’t change anything I did to her.
“No. She had intense feelings for me, I can say that. But she loved Jason”
“If she really loved him she would never be with you and would never do that to him” I said calmly.
He laughed humorlessly pulling his hand back “May be. But her feelings for him are deeper than mine. I was just a back-up plan for her whenever she’s upset; just another replacement, another hot guy.”
The way he talked about her pained me so much that I can’t help thinking all of this wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t come here. Now I’ve successfully ruined everyone’s lives.
“At least now, people know I am a good kisser all thanks to you” He said teasing me.
Before I could say anything, suddenly as if out of thin air Gabe appeared in front of me and snapped “Do you know what the f**k you are doing Anna?”
I winced at his tone which softened his face a bit as he tried to breathe in and out trying to control his anger before pulling a chair sitting beside me.
“Will you please tell me what happened between you and Jason because I've never seen him this hurt and I know it’s got to do with you” he spat angrily.
It didn't shock me that Jason didn't tell anything to his best friend since I didn't say anything to Emily either. But listening from him that I am responsible for Jason's pain made me feel totally like a bitch which I agree I am.
I exhaled a heavy sigh “It’s a simple misunderstanding that I didn't bother explaining to him”
“You know subtle explanations won't work. I know it’s between you and him but that doesn't mean I would stop intervening in your lives. I want both of you to be happy and would do anything to make things work out” Gabe said looking directly at me.
“Wow.. I wish I had a friend like you” Blake interrupted looking at him in awe which made me chuckle.
Gabe gave a disgusting look before continuing “So what exactly happened between the two of you?”
We kissed, that's what happened. Ha!! Also I was stupid enough to run away from him. But at least I got to kiss him, something I was dying to do ever since I saw him and everything is worth it even the heart ache that I now experience.
“Why are you blushing?” Gabe asked looking at me in confusion.
Blake made a gagging sound “Do we actually want to know?”
“Shut up Mrs. Ryan, no one asked you” he snapped at him before turning to me with a mischievous smile “So I take it something has happened between the two of you”
I couldn't stop the blush seeping through my cheeks at their realization of our kiss.
Gabe cleared his throat to gain my attention while biting his lips to stop himself from laughing.
“So I take it you like my best friend” he asked with a smile.
Like?? I am sure I love him.
“What?” Gabe and Blake shouted in unison.
Uh-oh.. Looks like I said it aloud.
I cleared my throat looking at them “So what do I do now?”
“I have an idea, but you have to do what I say and stop being a wimp” Gabe says coolly trying to hide his smile.
“And how do I do that?” I scoffed; slightly offended by what he said though it was true.
He started explaining his plan ignoring the guttural sounds Blake is making while I was trying my best to ignore the weird/jealous looks I am getting from girls around me; sitting with two hottest guys of school has its perks.
“Stop being a pussy and don't run away from him” Gabe pleaded for the nth time.
“But she is one” Blake whined annoyed that Gabe was telling me the same thing over and over again.
“Shut up Blake. And you” he turned to me and said through gritted teeth “Don't mess it up... Please”
“I will try to” I said and looking at him scowl I snapped “Fine.. I won't”
“Good.. All the Best and please have something, I am scared both of you might die of hunger before getting into an actual relationship” he said seriously looking at my full plate.
“You mean he didn't eat anything either?” I asked though I knew the answer to it.
“He didn't touch anything and left dumping the whole tray into the bin” he replied sadly.
“He left?” I asked looking back only to find an empty seat.
“Yup. He left the minute he saw both of you holding hands together. Do you think I would be here if he was still sitting there?” he asked nonchalantly.
“Oh” I said looking back at him losing my appetite as well.
We sat there for few more minutes until bell rang and everyone ran to their classes while I made my way to the girl's toilet. Yes, the loo. That was Gabe's amazing plan or so as he described.
I was told to wait in the loo till 2.30 while Gabe through any means would send Jason to me. I then have to take him to the detention room upstairs which would be empty and explain everything to him.
It seemed pretty simple but what terrifies me more is that I have to do this during class hours. I am not bothered about the lessons but what if Jason shouts at me or doesn't want to come with me.
I am screwed. Totally.
Waiting in the loo alone while your whole body is shaking on what might happen later isn't a pleasant sight to watch. If someone sees me pacing on the bathroom floor like this, they would definitely get wrong ideas.
Once it was the time for me to get out, I quietly peeked out of the door to make sure no one's in the hallway and made my way to the staircase which is at the middle of the hallway from where Jason might come out of his class. I thought of asking Gabe how he would manage to send him out in the middle of our class but decided against it.
After few minutes when I almost gave up that he is not going to come I heard footsteps in the corridor which made me sigh heavily that was short lived once I saw who is coming. I quickly ran to the adjacent janitor's closet and locked myself in it hoping the principal didn't see me.
Slowly the footsteps faded which eased me a bit until I heard footsteps echo the hallway again, this time even louder. I stood there rooted to the spot not daring to move scared that the noise might alert the person outside.
For few minutes I heard someone pacing to and fro a little distance away from me which made me curious to open the door slightly and peek through the gap.
There standing in all glory was the one person who I am dying to meet since the past hour- Jason Samuels. He was pacing in front of the ladies toilet looking really tensed; he stopped abruptly and lifted his hand to knock the door before pulling it back again..
I understood that he was thinking real hard if or if not to knock the door.. After few more seconds, he put his ear to the door as if trying to listen what's happening inside.
Eww….Gross.
Why is he trying to eavesdrop when no one's inside? As if on cue, realization hit and everything dawned on me. He was waiting there for me. For me...
I almost said 'Aww' when I suddenly heard faint footsteps from the other end again which can only mean one thing, Principal is back. But Jason unaware of what is happening around him is still standing there probably having a mental debate with himself.
With no other option left, I sprinted up to him successfully pulling him along with me into the closet while shutting his mouth with my hand before he could say anything and get us caught.. After locking the closet, I removed my palm off his mouth only to find him looking at me in shock with eyes and mouth wide open.
“What the--”
“Sshhhh” I said in a whisper gesturing him to keep his voice low.
After hearing distant footsteps he finally understood what’s happening and kept calm not trying to speak.
Good thing the school is constructed in a U manner and principal's office is at one edge while we are at the other. If it's not for that we would've been caught by now and gotten ourselves a detention. Not that I complain since that's the place I actually planned to take him if everything went well.
Once the footsteps were long gone and there was complete silence, I turned my head to look at Jason only to find him staring at me.
“What are you doing here?” he asked dryly with whatsoever no expression on his face.
“Jason---I---- I---” I stammered not knowing what to say.
Stop being a pussy. Gabe's words reiterated in my mind in an infinite loop but still I haven't managed to utter a single word out.
“Anna.. What are you doing here?” he glowered.
What am I supposed to do now; he is very angry. I can't just tell him 'Hey I am waiting for you because you are upset with me and I think I am in love with you' which would undoubtedly scare him away. I can’t be silent either because I am the one who need to give answers for him not the brooms or the bucket lying down here.
“Anna---” he glared at me with cold eyes that successfully managed to scare me as I flinched at his tone.
Knowing his mistake he closed his eyes to cool his temper before saying calmly “What are you doing here? Gabe told me you are unwell and throwing up in the loo”
Oh. That explains his weird behavior.
“What?” I shouted once I realized what Gabe said to him about me. Out of all the things he could've told Jason to get him out of the class he had to say this.
“What what?” he asked me looking confused.
“What exactly did Gabe tell you?” I asked through gritted teeth trying to calm myself pushing back the thoughts of revenge for later.
“Um. He told your stomach was upset and you are so weak with the number of times you had to throw up and that you are alone in the loo” he replied anxiously as if waiting for me to deny everything he said and say I am fine.
Stop overlooking things, I said to myself. “Gabe Walker.. I am going to kill you, so much for a plan”
“What plan?” he asked with his eyebrows scrunched up together in confusion but once he realized what I meant his face immediately turned into a grimace.
“Both of you planned this?” he asked angrily.
I bobbed my head up and down slightly before looking at him gathering all the courage “I am sorry, for everything. I didn’t know Gabe would say I was unwell to get you out of class. You must be worried and---” I didn’t get to finish what I was trying to say, thanks to Jason who cut me off “I am not worried about you and I don’t care what happens to you”
He said those words with so much hatred that I would have almost believed him had I not seen him tensely pacing back and forth the loo. He wanted to hurt me as much as I’ve hurt him.
“You are lying” I croaked dryly trying to choke back the tears.
“No, I am not. Why would I care about you? Who are you to me” he retorted angrily.
“I know you care about me Jason as much as I do or even more” when he tried to cut me off, I snapped back “I KNOW!!”
This seemed to shut him up for few seconds before he started angrily “Look. I don’t want to argue with you. If you want to be delusional, so be it I don’t care.”
He tried to unlock the door when I yelled “I am not done yet Jason”
“What do you want Anna? What?” he spat angrily.
I thought of replying the most cheesy and clichéd answer ‘You’ but being the dumbass I am I didn’t say anything for a while until he grew impatient and attempted to open the door again “I am sorry”
“What for?” he grumbled uneasily.
“The Kiss. I am sorry. I didn’t mean to run---”
“Shut up Anna, I don’t want to talk anything about it. Just shut it” he growled.
“Jason—Let me explain please” I said almost crying “I am sorry for running away from you.. I didn’t mean to hurt----”
“Please stop Anna.. Please. I don’t want to hear anything. I know you feel sorry, I get it. But please understand that I don’t want to talk about it. Just leave” he sighed defeated.
“Why—”
“You don’t get it, do you? I don’t want to hear the girl I like saying why she didn’t feel anything from my kiss and ran away when I loved it so much; when I felt it was so right. I don’t want you to pity me for not sharing the same feelings that I have for you” he said dejectedly.
Looking at my shocked expression his face softened as he said “I am sorry Anna. Please just leave this matter. Please”
He quietly unlocked the door and left the closet leaving me shocked and rooted to the same spot I was seconds before.
Did he just say what I thought he said? Did he say he liked me? Did he really say he had feelings for me?
Yes. Yes. Yes. Then what am I doing standing like a robot? The thought struck like lightning and I quickly ran into the hallway not bothering to check if anyone was there. I ran through the whole corridor trying to find where he went; much to my disappointment he was nowhere to be seen until I saw a figure walking on the school grounds towards the main gate.
I quickly sprinted up towards him shouting “Jason, wait”
He turned to me and groaned “What now?”
It took me few minutes until my breathing was normal when I said “I am not done yet”
“Now what do you want to talk again?” he muttered angrily
“Jason-----”
“Please. Why don’t you drop it?”
“Jason---”
“I said I don’t want to---”
“JASON SAMUELS” I yelled not bothering that we are actually standing in the middle of the school grounds and the principal and teachers might come anytime and see us.
“Will you please let me talk?” I snapped angrily.
“Fine” he spat back
Uh-Oh. What should I say? I’ve never been in a relationship and I don’t know how to confess someone that I like him. But, I know that it’s now or never. I can make or break our relation with whatever I say now. I’ve run away from my feelings all these days and knowing that Jason felt the same way about me brought a little hope that everything’s not over yet. At least not until I say something to get him back.
“I like you Jason.. I really really like you”
What the heck. Just tell him you love him already..
My confession must have shocked him as I heard his head snap to my direction and his face expression yelled ‘what the f**k’ but there is something else I need to clarify. I really have no idea how to say that so I decided to be blunt about it. Let him think whatever he wanted to but I am going to tell him the truth, only truth.
“Look Jason” I started slowly “I liked you the second I saw you in the store. Do you know how hard it was- trying to keep my eyes off you?” This earned a chuckle from him which made me smile too but didn’t stop me from continuing “You think I don’t feel anything from our kiss? Sorry to break it to you dude but you were wrong. The kiss was amazing, in fact it was more amazing than the dreams I had of kissing you”
By this time I am sure I am red like a tomato but I didn’t dare to stop “And what else? Ha! I don’t have feelings for you? Seriously? You thought that? You are so naïve sometimes Jason. Can’t you see the way I care for you? The way I listen to every word of yours, the way I worry about you, the way I do things you ask me to. Aren’t those good enough to know how I feel for you?”
Stopping a second to catch my breath, I continued “You don’t know how hurt I felt every time I saw you kiss Cheryl; you don’t know how hard it was to see you with someone else, someone who’s not me. It killed me Jace, not knowing what’s happening to me because it was the first time I ever felt like that. I won’t say I’ve never had a crush on anyone but I never felt anything this strong and intense for any of them apart from you”
“Anna---” he started slowly, smiling but I cut him off.
“Let me complete it. Please. I don’t want you to misunderstand me, ever again because I can’t bear it anymore. You drive me insane Jason, I can’t see you broken like this again. Do you know how it feels knowing that you are responsible for the pain that someone so close to you is endearing?”
“Anna---”
“Stop it Jason, please let me complete it… I want you to know the truth because I am tired of hiding my feelings, tired of running away from you and tired of not being able to be with you. I don’t know if I can bear another ‘I-don’t-care-about-you’ speech from you so let me clear up things. I wanted---”
“Be my girlfriend”
“I said stop interr----- WHAT??” I yelled unsure if I’ve heard it right.
“Anna Haven.. Please be my girlfriend” he said smiling.
At this moment I am sure I had the biggest smile on my face and tears are no longer streaming down my cheeks as I stood gazing at him in awe.
He grinned at me before saying “One of the advantages of being my girlfriend- you get to kiss me any time you want. So what do you say? Deal or no deal?”
I smiled sheepishly “Deal” which is when he crashed his lips onto mine.
“I never knew you can rant like my sister” He said once he pulled away from the kiss touching his forehead with mine, his minty breath fanning my face.
“I am a girl Jason. It’s in my genes” I mumbled
“Should have known” he muttered in almost a whisper.
We walked back to the school and marched upstairs to the detention room without getting caught, luckily. After locking the room and sitting on the bench beside me, he intertwined his fingers with mine while I placed my head on his shoulder. Everything seemed perfect and the room was quiet like pin drop silence apart from our slow breathing until I heard a low chuckle.
I lifted my head off his shoulder “What are you smiling at?”
“My stupidity” he answered almost immediately.
He turned to me and replied seeing me frown “I was thinking how stupid I had been to think you were lying. How stupid I had been to think you said you liked me only to get me back as your friend. Of course all my doubts were wiped off the second I saw your face and the way you blabbered like a girl”
“Actually, I did everything to get you back--- by telling the truth” I replied honestly ignoring the fact that he compared me to a girl when I am actually a girl.
He smirked “You have come a long way Anns, I am proud of you”
“That’s what Blake said” I chimed in a little too enthusiastically.
He raised an eyebrow “Now that you talked of him, what exactly were you doing with him during lunch holding hands together?”
“Is that jealousy I see?” I asked him with a small smile.
“Answer my question Anna” he said seriously.
“I told him the truth; that I was the one responsible for the video fiasco. It felt good admitting it to him yet bad for all that happened because of me.”
“Anns.. You did the right thing though I wouldn’t have wanted to see it with my fellow class mates”
“I am sorry Jason. Every time I see Cheryl I can’t help but blame myself for everything happened. I was responsible for her break up and degradation of her image. Everyone calls her bitch or slut which wouldn’t have happened had I not asked Blaise to put a camera in that room”
“Anns… Stop blaming yourself. I know you only did it for me and I know how tough it was for you to do that. It is not your mistake if the guys thought of having some fun and played it in front of the whole class. And for your information, I thought of breaking up with her days before the whole incident happened”
“What? Why?” I asked genuinely interested.
“Because I realized I should take this whole dating thing a bit serious and go ask the one girl out I started crushing the minute I saw” I raised an eyebrow as if asking him to elaborate to which he continued “You are not the only one who developed an instant attraction, I felt the same way too”
I smiled knowing exactly what he meant.
“Anns.. Can I ?” he hesitated before he sighed and continued “Can I ask you something”
I immediately understood what he was thinking to ask. Am I ready for this? No. But I know that I shouldn’t keep him away from the reality when we are dating and he as my boyfriend has every right to know. Boyfriend!! Wow. That sounded so good.
I slightly nodded prepared for his questioning “Why did you come to this city? Why do you always seem guarded and--- ” he trailed off disturbed by the pained look on my face.
“Jason. I—I---” I couldn’t form coherent words without being able to remember that unpleasant night where all of it started. Truth. Yes, I went for the blunt truth again.
“I was molested Jason, when I was 12” I replied slowly.
I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt his fingers wipe the tears off my cheeks as he pulled me into his arms letting the flood begin.
“I’m so sorry for asking you. If you don’t want to talk I’ll never bring this topic between us again” he whispered softly.
“You deserve to know” I quickly wiped the tears and sat straight trying to look brave though I was dying inside. “That night was something I can never forget Jason, it still follows me into my dreams; that night brought a 360 degree turn to my life”
“I lost everyone – friends, family. The hours I spent rooted to the spot until everyone arrived is the most dreadful and scary experience I’ve ever had. It made me mentally so weak that I never stopped living that night. Losing everyone was another thing altogether”
Sighing, I continued “Do you know why it is so important for me to have you in my life? It’s because you are the only good thing that’s happened to me in the last few years Jace. I don’t know why I came here but I am glad I came, I am glad I met you, I am glad I made you my friend. You make me feel alive, something I stopped feeling since a long time”
“And you make me complete” He said with so much conviction that I can’t help but believe.
I know he deserves to know the whole truth but I don’t have the guts to tell him, not yet. I trust him enough to share the pain I endured from my family but it’s not his to bear.
We stayed there for few more minutes until Jason said we better get going before getting caught. We drove his car in silence until he asked “So… umm, where do we go now?”
“Anywhere is fine for me” I replied with a smile.
“Have you ever been on a---umm date?” he asked awkwardly.
“Umm, once actually. I don’t even know if it can be called a date”
“Why? What happened?” he asked curiously.
“My umm friend Lucy wanted me to come along with her on a date once; you know like a double date and so I tagged along. But her date’s friend who is supposed to be my date turned out to be a creep”
“What did he do?” he asked his eyes narrowed into slits.
“He tried to make a move on me the whole evening; I didn’t even know him for god sake. Once our friends went away he tried to grab me but I kneed him before he can attempt anything more”
“What?” He yelled and burst into fits of laughter “Did that really happen? Thank God, you didn’t do that to me”
“Don’t tempt me” I mumbled trying to hide my smile.
“Oh, you would?” He said stopping the car and reached for my lips before I could retort back.
“I know you wouldn’t” he said giving me a smug look.
“Oh shut up” I replied blushing.
Kissing me on the forehead he started the car as we went to nowhere in particular and I am happy he didn’t bring the topic again nor did he ask me any questions.
---
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Longest chap!!! Many might have guessed about Anna's past already but it's just the begining.
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