... tobin, don't cry.
- Now, can you tell me honestly what has happened to you? - she asked all of a sudden, which surprised me because it was literally out of nowhere.
- What? - I wrinkled my nose and frowned slightly due to the confusion.
- Sky accidentally mentioned it but she asked me to stop pushing her for the whole story because she can't tell no matter what. - she barely explained but I finally understood what she was trying to ask about.
- ... - but I couldn't form a word, so I looked away to avoid her eye contact without her realizing it.
- What so seriously happened to you that Pinoe would divorce Sky if she ever told anyone? - she asked, sat up and looked deep into my soul.
Her brown eyes under the moonlight got me teared up a little for no particular reason. Maybe because I just loved her that much.
- Tobin. - she pulled my hand and put it in hers.
- Christen, please. - I breathed.
- Tobin, I'm begging you. I'm dying inside.
I was dying too, Chris.
- Just please, would you please risk it and just tell me already?
Her voice was shaking, her tears were threatened to fall. The desperation in her voice would scar for life if I didn't do anything to stop this. It honestly would be a crime against me if she ever dropped another tear for me ever ever in this life.
- I can't pretend like I don't wanna know or don't mind what has happened to you in all these years anymore, so can you please? - the way she squeezed my hand as she talked while she was staring at me has never been this painfully pure.
I sighed and decided to just give up on everything for her as if I wouldn't have dared in the past.
I looked into her eyes as I spoke:
- Have you ever cried so hard and for so long that your body wants to vomit?
The image of my self from the past still freaks me out every single time I think about it. It was horrible, the way I treated my soul back then. Not that I treat it better at the present, but at least it wasn't that incredibly damaging bad.
- But then because you haven't eaten anything so there's nothing for you to throw up?
The ticklish feeling in the throat, pain in stomach as I tried to vomit the shit out of it although I had eaten nothing. The image of tears running down my red eyes, saliva drooling down the toilet bowl to replace the half-digested food that was supposed to be there, my neck vein popping out like I was in some horror movie and was possessed by an evil spirit. And the way my soul hurt so awfully that it overshadowed the physical pain from the sickness that I got from absolutely no sleeps and food intake.
- And then you feel frustrated and started to bawl your eyes out even harder? And end up feeling like vomiting again?
I never cried that much in my entire life. I still remember there was this horrible incident when I was a little kid, my family went on a mountain trip, I slipped over a wet rock since it was so slippery, the frontal part of my calf ended up landing on a pointy rock which then split my leg open. My mother said she could literally see my bone when she slightly opened the wound. I couldn't get any anesthesia because there was not a single clinic or hospital or whatever medical place close by, but the wound was so bad and if I postponed it for too long, it would increase higher exposure in bacteria which I would be more likely to saw my leg off if that part turned into dead cells. So my uncle, who was a doctor, got his needles and everything out (he somehow had a little aid kit bag that he brought along everywhere he went so I was pretty lucky on that), to sew the wound attached, and I may add WITHOUT ANESTHESIA. And I remember myself not even dropped one tear. Yes I was that kind of kids that would run out to pick a ball that my dog kicked out to the street and thought I was strong and brave for doing so.
- It keeps repeating as a cycle and you don't know what to do to distract yourself so you try to get some sleep and force your brain to rest? But then you can't sleep because the pain wakes you every time your eyelids collapse?
I sat up next to her, then took a deep breath as I looked into a distance.
- About the thing that Skylar couldn't tell you... Chris, I got sleeping pills overdose.
- Tobin. - she called my name as if she couldn't believe her own ears, and trust me, whatever was on her mind when I retold the story was all wrong and unnecessary.
I shook my head to stop her chain of thoughts of whatever she was assuming at that moment.
- No, Christen. I didn't intend to kill myself. I just couldn't sleep so I took a lot of them to make myself pass out, but the more I took, the more I became awake. And it was up to the point my body couldn't handle anymore, my muscles started to shrink and have spasm, liquid came out of my mouth, and the next thing I knew was that I was lying on a hospital bed.
- I'm so sorry, Tobin. - her tears were already rolling down her cheeks.
FUCK! I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!
I shouldn't have told her anything.
- Christen. Please. No no no no no. - I clumsily dried her tears, and didn't know what else to do as the water came out of this woman's eyes gave me a panic attack.
I hugged her into me. Her mushy body leaned completely on me as her sobbing sound broke my heart apart.
- Not your fault. Definitely not. Christen, please. - I squeezed her at this point because that's all I knew to do when it came to comforting someone.
And if it wasn't Christen Press, I wouldn't even hug a person this tightly.
Shen then excellently compressed her tears and her sobs while pulling back from me.
- I'm ok. I'm ok. Tell me more. I need to hear more. - sniffled her nose as she said.
- You sure? - I choked up a little.
She nodded.
Those red eyes, pink nose and swollen lips killed me terribly. Jesus Christ, why does it hurt so bad when you witness a person crying? It's just crying, it's normal. What's wrong with me?
I dried her eyes one more time, gave her forehead a kiss and made sure that she was stable, then I continued as she pleaded:
- Alyssa and Melvin kicked down my house door because I didn't pick up my phone when the location app said I was supposedly at home.
I might have forgotten my phone at home and went out, but those dumbasses jumped straight to the conclusion that I was more likely to be dying on the floor all alone, and they were absolutely right. Maybe because they knew that I wasn't in a condition where I could get out of the house and be social and everything, so thank God for their reckless decision, because of that, I am still alive now. And it's even more fortunate that I always pick up my phone no matter how sad and miserable or not-wanting-to-talk-to-no-one I am, so that's just so lucky that I have such a wholesome habit.
- Anyone knew about this? - Chris asked.
- Pinoe, Sky, Alyssa and Melvin of course, Ali, and Ash.
- I will pay Alyssa and Mellie back until I stop breathing. I swear to God, they've saved me too, because imagine me knowing you not existing somewhere in the world. - she bit on her bottom lips to compress everything that wanted to be out.
- Christen.
- I will thank them in the morning, and the rest of my life. - tears streamed down like crazy when she made absolutely no sounds or noises.
Her strength is unbelievable.
- But you... is it hard for you to live and have to intentionally hide something? Because that's just not you at all.
I shook my head with a smile.
I'm ok with it being exposed or hidden, because I don't care. I would get hurt from the backlashes for sure but it's not like there are any other kinds of pain that I have never gone under. However, I just thought about Pinoe and her feelings a lot, because she always feels extremely responsible for me and everything relates to me, so I just listened to what she wished for me to do, because I would never ever wanna hurt my sister like that.
- Pinoe knew it would hurt me if it spread out and to the media's hands, so she demanded everyone who knew about this to shut up, to not mention about it, and to take it to their grave in order to protect my pride and dignity due to the fact that pills overdose is forever a stigma and people would judge me for that incident because no one would give a fuck about the truth that it was only an accident.
Imagine someone who lives as authentic as Megan Rapinoe would choose this step one day. She chose to live against her own rules and be selfish for just one time to protect me. She did that to protect a loser like me! How lucky am I to have her in my life forever?
- What more problematic is that I am a former athlete so it's even harder for people to accept because motherfuckers would be gossiping about me might even have been using sleeping pills back then although I've never been an addict in my entire life.
I smiled as I recalled the story, but Christen was crying an ocean over there. I love this woman painfully.
- Pinoe was so afraid that people would never shut up about it if they knew, and the stupid incident would overshadow the good career that I sacrificed everything to have. She said she would never ever let the world misunderstand me in the first place let alone create for them a chance ito talk shit about me, since no one would ever believe if I told them about the truth of why I got overdosed anyway.
- She said she would kill literally anyone that uses this to make my life difficult. - I chuckled.
She's so dumb. I'm so problematic and she never tries to leave my side. What a stupid, pure soul she is.
- Yes, it was that serious and she was that serious. I doubt that she could live without Sky so she would never divorce her for this, but she would definitely get so mad. And when she goes all insane, she's fucking scary as hell. You know it. You know how scary Megan Rapinoe can be.
I still remember so clear on that day Pinoe hugged my shaking body into her chest real tight and told me "don't worry, Tobin, no one will need to know about this. If they ruin your life, I'll fucking ruin theirs, too." She sounded so scary at that moment, it most definitely sounded like she would be out there ruining people's lives if they ever touched a strand of my hair. But yes, she's crazy and reckless, however, she's ultimately the Pinoe of my life.
I didn't wanna die at that moment, but to be brutally honest, at some point, I just wanted to end this life. It was so difficult. Difficult without the shadow of her being.
I rubbed her head as my lips spontaneously smiled when I saw her pure tears streaming down while listening to me like a curious child listening to a sad ending story for the first time.
I pulled her in for a kiss on her nose as I whispered:
- You're so amazing. Do you ever know that?
She suddenly pulled my shirt, which made me gently fall into her arms, as her little voice softly raised out of the blue:
- No. You are amazing, Tobin Heath.
I crackled, hugged her back, and tightened her slim body in my embrace. She would never know how beyond amazing she was in my eyes.
After five minutes straight of her crying her heart out and spreading her mucous all over my shoulder, I asked her what I would have to do to help her stop crying because seeing her like that was just killing me slowly. The beautiful woman deadass suggested me to sing for her, and everyone who knows me knows that I'm a shitty singer. I'm literally living in the completely opposite dimension with Celine Dion, Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson. I can't. I'm just not capable of doing the music.
- Really, Christen Press? Really? - I looked at her eyes which were full of teasing intention, but mixed with salty tears.
She's just being silly. She more than knows that I can't sing.
- Just do it, Tobin.
- You keep on crying. I'm ok. - I said.
She was on the verge of tears for the second time, and on the count to 2 and a half, the tears streamed out like crazy which put me through the toughest time of my life.
- Gosh, I was just joking. Ok, fine. I'll sing. I'll sing. Anything you want, ma'am. Just stop crying, this shit is killing me.
I gave up. Entirely waved white flag to let her know that she was the winner in this battle. I mean what else could I do? Right? She is my queen, and I'm always here to serve.
- What song? - my eyelids half collapsed as I was not happy with this request at all.
- Any song. - as soon as her wet eyes twinkled, I could feel my heart drop to my waist.
I cleared my throat to get myself together and also tried my best to gather all the vocal talent in me, because who knows if there are some that are hidden somewhere deep down in me.
- Can I close my eyes? - I asked, because God, if I had to sing while looking into her eyes, my heart would explode. This was no joke.
She nodded, flashed an expensive smile across her beautiful face. The way her face lightened up as the excitement made her glow gave me all the emotions in the world.
I would never find someone who would love me the way this woman did. It was indescribably, elongating-ly painful and heartbreaking-ly satisfying.
"In another life,
will you be my girl?
I would give you everything
Be us against the world.
In another life,
will you stay by me?
I would fight through thick and thin
to keep us in one place."
I chuckled as I asked her while slowly opening my eyes:
- See what I did there, Chris? I...
- Christen. - my throat muscles tensed up the second my eyes completely opened to look at her.
She wiped her tears, forced a smile to hide the real emotion her face just showed.
- You sound terrible, but I love it so much. Thank you. - she softly said in between her little crackles.
- But Christen...
- Ok, we can call it a night. Let's go. We should probably head in, otherwise everyone would be suspicious about us being out here all night although we're completely platonic.
Wow this girl. So lucky that I was incapable of reading her mind, because if I was, it would be really devastated to know exactly what she had to go through at that moment.
- Are we... platonic though? - I asked.
- Of course we are. What are you talking about?
- Kissing doesn't count? - I teased her but I was the one that blushed the hardest.
- Doesn't count. - she shook her head, flashed the most beautiful smile across her lips.
- OK, got it. - I chuckled.
When we were about to step over every single one of them to get back to our spots and pretend like nothing had ever happened.
- Skylar. - Pinoe's voice suddenly raised up in the middle of the night and fuck did my heart dropped rapidly to the ground.
Chris and I were scared the shit out of. My soul almost left my body, cos I thought she was awake. I kinda looked over to Chris and went "oh shit, this is the end of our lives."
- When I die, please bury me in the same grave as Ash.
Chris and I looked over to each other and were internally dead inside as both of us sacrificed our all to not burst out laughing.
God, that's hilarious. She was sleep-talking. And it was about Ashlyn.
I faced her after we lied down. When I was about to smile and told her goodnight although we only had two hours of sleep left, she did this thing with her hand where she tried to pick an imaginary thing out of my head and threw it away.
Then she asked:
- Do you remember anything?
I frowned my eyes because I didn't quite get what she meant at first.
- About what just happened between us.
I immediately understood and shook my head although doing that broke my heart into thousands of pieces.
So that's why she did that. She wanted me to forget everything and act like nothing had ever happened between us, because if I took it so close to my heart and made it into something so special, I would hurt myself all over again, as deep down inside, I knew that it would never happen since miracle doesn't exist in this modern world. And if I stubbornly held on to the fantasy about us, we would never be friends any longer. That's why she wanted me to become Dory, which meant I had to pretend like I suffered from short-term memory loss and totally forgot everything.
- Remember when you sang that song to me?
I shook my head:
- What song?
I acknowledged that I looked like a clown at that moment for being pretentious as requested, but because it's what she wanted, I would risk it all for her.
- It's a secret. I won't tell you. - the smile at the corner of her lips burnt my heart into ashes.
- Good, cos I'm not curious at all. - I shrugged, forced out a smile to reassure her.
She kissed her fingers and pressed them against my lips.
- G'night, Tobin. - she whispered while having that bittersweet taste in her voice.
I wanted to tell her good night but my unexpectedly emotional self suddenly choked up, which made the words stuck in my throat forever. I was scared that if I tried too hard to get them out of there, I would break down too; therefore, I impolitely turned around in order to face my back to her.
The second my face was out of her sight, tears streamed out of my eyes uncontrollably, like the first second when the impoundment opens after a long day keeping the water inside it, like... like crazy.
My shoulders became so weak that I couldn't feel their existence anymore, my mind felt extremely empty that I couldn't think of anything, which was why it made me even more frustrated in myself and cried even harder. My back shook tremulously as I was trying everything I could to hold the sobs in and compress my own emotion as much as possible.
- Tobin.
I wasn't confident since my ears could barely hear anything, but I believed that it was her soft voice raised from behind my back.
Even if I wanted to answer her, I couldn't.
- Don't cry.
- I'm not. - I shook my head to deny it although my voice sounded crying.
- Ok, good, cos it doesn't suit you. - she decided to not remove my cover.
As the silence between us killed me when every second passed by, she broke it first by calling my name:
- Tobin.
I stopped breathing.
She whispered throughout layers and layers of darkness, and also layers and layers of loneliness that had coated over my soul since the first time I told her that I loved her:
- I will never forget.
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