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"I," She says, "am always stuck. 

I am always stuck between giving

people everything because I am dying 

to create meaningful relationships, 

and giving them nothing at all 

because then if they leave, 

at least I'll be left whole

***

Nothing should be different. My repetition of the day again is coming to another turn as I wake up before the alarm of the clock- before the hour of five can sound.

Nothing should be different.

Yet something is.

I lay still in the bed, staring at the arms that are wrapped around me. Feeling the steady breath as Orion's chest rose and fell against me. Taking in the skin that hit mine.

Slowly, I try to move away. But he pulls me back.

"Stay," his word is thick with sleep, making me question if he was even awake or not. My body is tense, not use to this new form of affection.

I could handle the heat of lust, and the hitting of skin when desire consumed. But this was...different.

I slowly turn around, taking in Orion's sleeping face for the first time. His beard still was wild. His hair falling around him in a knotted mess. He moves closer, burying his head within the corner of my neck. I inhale sharply, freezing and not knowing what to do.

After waiting several more minutes, I wiggle away, shoving a pillow into his arms. I can't help but smile as I watch Orion cling to it, pressing his face deep into the softness.

Running used to help clear my mind. I used to find a peace in it. Now I could barely take in my surroundings as they filtered by me.

The sun breaks through the trees, showing off its arrival. The warmer months were coming, casting away the chill that the first few weeks of spring normally brought. The change in the forest could be seen. The leaves were becoming fuller, the ground growing with life that had been buried deep inside.

I stop in front of the pack house, staring at the front porch. I didn't feel like going inside.

Before I can think too hard about it, I continue down the road.

The clinic soon comes into view. I sigh at the sight, knowing already by the fresh scent, that Leo was inside. Just as I thought, he is in the hallway, his head buried within his hands.

I pause at the sight. Sorrow always comes from Leo. But there was another sadness that exerted from his pores. He raises his head to look up at me.

"Soraya," his voice sounds tired. His appearance matches mom. Shadowed eyes and nervous hands.

"Hey Leo." I sit next to him, looking down the hallway, wondering what he was doing within the clinic so early.

He leans back and sighs, running his hand through his hair and adjusting his glasses. His body sags against the back of the bench. I'm about to speak when Schulman silently exits a room, closing the door softly behind him.

"Good morning Soraya," he hobbles next to me, groaning at the effort it takes to bend his body and sit down. I look at both the males, but Schulman answers my thoughts.

"We had a rough night. A pup came in very sick."

My heart starts to beat rapidly, "who?"

Schulman's eyes are closed also as he leans back, "Taylor and Lloyd."

My eyes widen at the revelation. Taylor had been about to give birth when I left for training. If I were to judge the time right, the pup should be only two or three months old.

"He didn't make it through the night."

Schulman's chin hits his chest, his shoulders falling into his frame. He was used to the feeling of losing a life and watching it slip through his hands.

Leo abruptly stands.

We both watch as he walks down the hall, his hands balled into fists.

I flinch at the crash that sounds seconds after he turns the corner, the echo of rage ringing. I rise, meaning to follow him, but Schulman stops me.

"Don't Soraya. He needs to let his emotions out. He can't do that when you're around."

I jerk back from Schulman, a low growl issuing from me in response to his words. Schulman only sighs and leans back, not intimidated at all by my challenge.

"You know already. Don't act like that."

I glare at him, aware the old man wouldn't be able to see it anyway.

He continues though, "when you're around, he can't show his pain. He can't keep bottling this inside him."

"Leo can tell me anything."

"Oh," Schulman raises a wiry grey brow at me, a smile curving his face, "the point isn't can he. It's will he."

There's a pause of silence.

I bend forward, putting my elbows on my knees and resting my hands within my face to cover the sight of the world around me.

"Not now Schulman."

"He's my main priority, Kid."

I knew that. I knew that Leo had Schulman and mom. Vincent, when he had still been here, had dad and grandma. And me...who did I have?

I flex my back, remembering the feel of Orion's arms as they pulled me closer to him. I wish suddenly that I had listened to him. I wish I had stayed.

"You're always acting like nothing can hurt you. He sees that. He also sees how you treat everything around you. You think that kindness is weak. That those who are soft break easily. You think only the hard ones survive in life and he sees it and tries to follow your example. The only problem is- Leo's not like you. He has the biggest heart I know, but he shoves it off because he thinks that's what you would do."

I listen to Schulman, but his words only confirm what I knew.

"Soft words make you weak."

"No."

I raise my head to look at the aged doctor. He is glaring down at me, shaking his head.

"The fear of being gentle is what makes you weak."

I stand abruptly, swirling around to face him. His eyes are closed, head back as he sighs deeply. "I'm tired Soraya. Leo is also. Not now."

He raises his hand, shooing me away. My teeth clench together, my canines elongating at the fury he is causing to pulse within me. Schulman always spoke his mind with no regard. His age may have given him wisdom, but it didn't give him any foresight.

Without another word, I walk out, angry that I had even stopped at the clinic in the first place. I run back to the pack house, but the red clouds my vision. I can't see straight. Something about Schulman's words makes my mind ring. I shove them harshly aside, not bothering to exam its contents. I didn't need to think about it.

I didn't want to go to the pack house.

So instead I faced the woods and ran into the foliage of the trees.

Grandjay must have known I would see him. Either that or I caught him at the right moment as he stood outside the cabin, his eyes turned towards the woods that I emerged from.

He stands tall above me, arms crossed with no expression on his face.

"Soraya," he nods his head, "you look angry."

"Tell me something new."

A hint of a smile ghosts his face as he shrugs, "I have a new-,"

I wave away my hand, "I was joking Grandjay."

He frowns but quickly dismisses my comment. I roll my eyes. Grandjay had always been bad at reading body language and what people meant with their words.

We both turn to sit on the porch. He waits for me to catch my breath before he speaks.

"Where is your mate?"

"At the pack house."

His face twists at my words. I look at him curiously, "why do you ask?"

Grandjay sighs, "I would think it's hard to be away from him."

"He likes to be alone."

Grandjay only shakes his head.

I look up at the sky, watching the clouds.

"Soraya...about your mate...there's something I need to ask..."

"What?"

Grandjay reminded me of Orion in some areas. They both were blunt and to the point.

"When did he shift?"

"Um..." we both stare at each other. I feel heat rush to my face when I realize I didn't know the answer.

"When he was...17..."

Grandjay looks at me critically, "really?"

"Yes...?"

He shakes his head but says no more.

I let some silence pass before I speak, "is this relevant?"

Grandjay shifts uneasily, his eyes nervously turning to the lake, "I recognized something...about him..."

I wait for him to explain more, but he brings up nothing else.

His words make me think about what meaning there could be behind it.

I have a sudden urge to go to the pack house and find Orion. To question him about what Grandjay was talking about, but before I do- Grandjay is standing, a low growl forming deep within his chest. I stand also and watch as a tan wolf slinks out from shadows of the forest.

Halfway through Orion drops to his stomach, crawling on the ground to us. Grandjay sputters in aghast surprise, but I bend down, dropping to my knees to be eye level with the wolf.

Orion hesitantly leans his face in, letting his tongue wrap around my fingers before he slinks to hide his body behind mine. I glare up at Grandjay.

"Did you do something to him?"

Grandjay scoffs, crossing his arms and glaring at the ground.

"Grandjay..."

"I asked him the same question I asked you."

I look down at Orion. "Orion, shift."

I groan when the puppy eyes appear.

"Damn it, stop doing that!"

Grandjay steps closer, making Orion flinch. "What? What did he do to you?"

"He's using the damn eyes on me," I point to Orion's puppy eye face.

Grandjay stares blankly at him before switching his gaze to me.

He rolls his shoulders back. I sense a change in the air. Grandjay had once been Alpha of the Alba Rosa pack. I don't think that power ever really left. I could still sense it now, lingering within him. The dominance in Grandjay always would be there- the sheer overwhelming presence of strength. Even with his age, his frame rippled with muscle that he worked daily. Grandjay was the perfect example of an Alpha.

"Shift."

Orion immediately follows his command.

I feel small betrayal that he would listen to Grandjay and not me, but even my knees shook with the ripple of authority that commanded the air.

The crack of bone and realigning of skin always seemed more painful on Orion.

He stands before us, shrinking away from Grandjay's critical eyes.

Grandma comes out then.

"Here honey," she tosses Orion loose pants. He catches them, not letting his eyes leave Grandjay as they both stare the other down.

"Orion, was it?"

Orion moves to stand behind me.

The motion makes Grandjay snap.

"Stop cowering behind her."

"Can we go back to the pack house,"Orion's warm breath grazes the shell of my ear, but his words are still heard by the others.

"You're staying here until I get answers," Grandjay said, crossing his arms and taking a step closer.

Orion's face twists into a scowl. He looks down at me, "I just want to go back to your room."

A thrill of heat soars through me at Orion's blunt confession. He jumps back before Grandjay can grab him.

"That's my granddaughter you're talking about!"

My eyes widen in horror as Orion sticks out his tongue mockingly, "my mate."

Grandma laughs on the porch, clinging to her side, "he has personality. I like it."

"Grandma please..." I raise my hands but it's useless.

Grandjay is already running after Orion. I sigh and feel my palm hit my forehead as Orion's eyes widen in horror to the fact that Grandjay was still very much in shape.

Grandma descends down the steps, standing with me as we both watch the two males.

"Should I stop this?" she looks at me questioningly.

I look down, taking in her shirt.

If my dog doesn't like you neither do I

"No..."I sigh and sit back on the porch, "Orion can take care of himself."

We wait several more minutes before they reappear- Grandjay dragging a reluctant tan wolf behind him by the scruff of his neck.

I wince at the sight, trying to push aside my conflicting feelings.

"Soraya- watch his shift."

"I've seen-,"

Grandjay cuts me off.

"No. Watch it. Don't observe. Watch."

My mind immediately focuses on Grandjay's command. I was his student for years. I knew the tone he was using. This was a lesson. He was the instructor and Orion- Orion was what we were focusing on.

Grandma and I both look at Orion. He stares at me, his grey eyes unmoving as slowly, the bones within his fur realign. I take in the process. And then I see what Grandjay sees.

It's not a shift.

Grandma gasps beside me, as she quickly stands to see it closer.

My hands curl around the railing of the porch, taking in the male that sat in front of me.

"Orion...what..." He stands and reaches for the clothing that Grandjay is offering to him. A low growl forms within his throat, a rare sign of aggression on his part.

"It's not important."

"It's very important," Grandma whispers. She and Grandjay both look at each other, an understanding passing between them before Grandma squares her shoulders to look at Orion.

 "Where are your parents?"

Orion shrugs. I answer for him.

"They were in the mountains just past the Umbra Pack. Orion stayed with the wolfs that resided there..." my voice fades away as I watch Grandma nod eagerly.

Orion looks uncomfortable. He stands and sits next to me. I feel frustration rising in me.

"When was your first shift?" Grandjay's voice is softer. More understanding now. It's not hard or cold like it had been a few seconds ago.

"I first shifted when I was six."

"But that...that's..." Impossible. I can't say the word out loud but they know what I'm thinking. I can't look at Orion because suddenly, it all makes sense. It all is falling horribly into place.

Maybe a part of me had always known. Had always been aware but didn't want to see the truth. He didn't think it was important...

"How?" My voice is steady. There is no break in emotion as I ask the single question.

Orion looks at the ground his grey eyes unfolding to reveal endless layers of pain.

"I didn't fit in."

"I know that Orion," my patience was coming to an end. Orion could sense how close I was to snapping at him.

He takes a deep breath, pushing aside a fallen strand of hair from his face.

Grandma grabs Grandjay, pulling him up the porch. I hear him protest, but Grandma's whispered, "read the situation Jay for Goddess sake," has him following her.

Now we are alone. Orion's hands shake.

I stare at them and suddenly, an idea comes to me.

"Truth for a lie?"

He sighs, some tension leaving his shoulders. Whatever the reason, the prospect of the game made it easier for Orion to speak.

"I don't remember a lot of it. Only what Camilla told me. She said...her thoughts were that I isolated myself so much, I just wanted an escape. So, I made one."

"What does your father think?"

Orion looks away from me as he whispers, "he thought Camilla had...conceived me with another wolf."

"He thought she cheated on him?"

"Not cheated, more like..." I see a faint pink rise in Oroin's cheeks as he raises his hands, attempting to explain his heritage to me. "The pack was next to wolves..."

My face heats also when his words click into place.

"Do you know who's right?"

Orion shakes his head.

"So you shifted when you were six, and then after that you...?"

"I didn't change back."

There's a ringing silence as I close my eyes to his words. A dull satisfaction for being right pulses in me. Orion did not keep balance. He never knew what the word meant from the start. 

"Your turn."

"What?"

I open my eyes to find Orion glaring down at me. "A truth for a lie."

I frantically try to think of something to say. "I'm not afraid of you seeing my scars."

Orion leans forward, his lips pressing against my temple before he pulls back.

"I'm not afraid of you challenging your father."

Still playing the game. We sit, shoulder to shoulder, each lost in the confessed lie we've spoken.

"Your turn."

My turn to tell a truth.

"I love inflicting pain upon myself, because...because I see it as a deserved punishment. Everything has its consequences. You hit someone, your hand hurts. You eat too much, your stomach has pain. If you run, your lungs burn. It's something I've concluded in my mind that there is no such thing as good. Everything comes with a price and every decent desire has a demon standing behind it."

"And me?"

I still at his question.

"What about you?"

Orion leans closer in, a dagger for eyes that stab into my heart as he whispers, "do I come with a demon?"

My breath comes out uneven. He had no idea how true those words were.

"I hope we never find out."

*   *   *

Grandjay and I sit on the porch together.

We both stared at the distance, watching Mom, Grandma, and Orion as they sat on the deck that looked over the lake.

Grandma would sometimes join mom in painting. The two would talk and laugh, their echoed sounds of happiness ringing back to me. Orion laid at the edge of the deck, his face intent upon the water.

I had to stop watching after a while, the sight of him plunging his jaw into the water in an attempt to catch fish becoming too much for me.

Grandjay sighs next to me, his head resting in his hand as he watched the women.

"Grandma told me you would be challenging your dad soon. I remember you said after your training..."

I grit my teeth. I shouldn't have said that. The element of surprise was gone now.

Soon a rumor would be spreading like wildfire around the pack. If this continued, I would end up challenging dad partially for the sake of showing the pack that I could be trusted with my words.

"When I think the times right."

I keep my words vague, knowing Grandjay was unable to keep secrets from dad.

"You're ready."

I jerk back in surprise, turning to stare at Grandjay in open mouth shock. He smiles at my reaction.

"Do you not think you're ready?"

"I know I'm ready," I growl, the challenge raising my shoulders in annoyance.

"Remember when you're att-,"

"Go for weak spots," I roll my eyes, finishing the sentence in unison with Grandjay. He frowns but nods, looking away from me to stare back at the lake.

From this distance, I watch mom smile. She doesn't smile often. Or it could just be that she doesn't smile when I'm near. I've lost track of what to think when it concerned her- and frankly, I didn't dwell on the self-pity that I had always indulged in.

I turn back to look at Grandjay. His grey hair held no more black. I had seen pictures of him when he was younger. His image looked a lot like dad- the only difference was the emotion. In the majority of the photos I saw of Grandjay he looked somber. In the pictures I saw of dad, he always either looked sullen or angry.

"What's dad's weakness?"

Grandjay starts at the question. "If you don't know that already, then I did not do an adequate job teaching you."

I reflect on his words, "he sometimes limps...?"

Grandjay's eyes glare down at me, "Soraya, do I have to reteach you this?"

"No," I said hotly, looking away and crossing my arms, "a limp can be a weakness. Same as how my back can be a weakness. If you know your weakness, you can protect or get rid of it."

"There are two," Grandjay holds up two fingers to demonstrate his point, "main weaknesses that you forget. One," He lowers one finger, "weakness of the body, and two," the finger he had lowered comes back up, "weakness of the mind."

"Ya, dad does have a weak brain...ow!"

Grandjay smacks the back of my head, a low growl leaving him as gold glares out from his pitch black eyes.

"Listen."

I sit up straight, sensing the change in his tone. He was being serious and expected the same from me.

"Right. Two weaknesses. Got it. I knew that already."

"Identify yours."

I shake my head, "you first, I need time to think."

Grandjay tilts his head to the side, evaluating my words, his face holding a deep concentration as he slowly says, "I'm...older now...I have experience...but a wolf with youth and power can easily surpass me in a fight. As for my mind..." his face relaxes. He already knows the answer, and gives it easily to me, "I'm overcautious."

"But isn't that good in a fight?" I point out.

"Another lesson Soraya, a wolf's strength can become their weakness. It's up to you to be able to identify it and use it against them."

I hold back my words, biting them away from my mouth before I inhale and admit through gritted teeth, "I don't understand."

Grandjay only smiles, amused at the effort it took for me to admit my ignorance.

"All wolves have strengths. All wolves have weaknesses. Find them and use them against the wolf. Take away their strength and make it a weakness. Take away their weakness and they no longer have a strength to fall back on. They are no longer a wolf. They are nothing. Now- now you are able to sink your teeth into their throats."

"Did you do that when you were Alpha?"

A faraway look enters Grandjay's eyes, "I...did..."

"Are you saying I should do this to dad?"

Grandjay stares at me blankly before a sudden laugh escapes him, "the challenge for Alpha is something different. It should be something different... It's not a fight to the death Soraya. It's a fight to see if you are competent in accepting your role as a leader."

My chest tightens at the naïve thoughts Grandjay has. Maybe when he was passing his title to dad, that's what it was like. But for me, it's different. I don't know how dad will respond in a fight. I don't know how dad fights.

He's never let me practice with him.

Grandjay though, like the studious teacher that he is, turns back to me, his face sober, "have you identified your weakness?"

"No, geez, give me time...what if I don't have one?"

"Everyone has a weakness."

I glare at Grandjay. "I'll make you change your words one day, old man."

A smile flickers on his face as he looks down at me, "It will be awhile before that happens."

We sit in silence- me stewing in my cloud of anger before Grandjay interrupts.

"Can you see your father's weak spots?" 

I'm about to comment back something sarcastic. Something that puts dad down, but the look in Grandjay's eyes stops my words. He is waiting.

"He...he doesn't have one..." I regret my words the moment they leave my mouth. 

Grandjay smiles, "I just told you Soraya. Everyone has a weakness."