Chapter 49: Safe Place
DS8Uncovered #LuMa #BearCouple #DaggerSeries
CHAPTER 49: SAFE PLACE
LUNA'S POV
"So... that's everything."
The silence that greeted me back was, ironically, so loud. Kung sa ibang pagkakataon siguro ay natawa ako dahil para na-estatwa ang lahat sa kinaroroonan nila. Kabaligtaran iyon ng nakasanayan kong makita sa kanila. Here at Maven, everything is fast-moving. There's always motion, as if not a second should go to waste.
Si Alex ang unang nagsalita. Kung hindi lang sa katahimikan ng paligid ay baka hindi ko siya narinig sa hina ng boses niya. Sa tabi niya ay naroon si Stella. "Why just now?" He swallowed hard, as if he's having a hard time talking. "You've been quiet about it for years. You've fought alone in silence."
"I did. I—"
"I know it's not because you're afraid that we will question your competence to lead us. No one here would dare to do that unless they're stupid." He scanned the room before his gaze landed on me again. "But why now?"
He knows the answer to his questions. He knows, and I could see that he's hoping so hard that it wouldn't be the answer that I would give him.
Isa ito sa mga rason kung bakit tumanggi ako na bumisita sila ni Stella noong nasa ospital ako. Lalo na nang pumutok ang balita tungkol kay Zachary at ang pagkahanap sa ama ko. Both made the news. The first one is for obvious reasons, and the second one is because of Obsidian.
Everything was already overwhelming. I just told my family about my condition, and I want it to be just us for a moment. I decided to just do it in one go when I returned here at Maven, which is why even Stella is here.
"You said it's treatable," Stella said, her voice wavering. "So you're going to be okay, right? Gusto mong mag-focus sa treatment mo kaya ka naghahanap ng isa pang CEO? It's not because..."
"It is treatable. Some have higher chances of surviving for years." I took a huge breath and gave them a small smile, hoping that it would be enough to calm them down a bit. "I'm not looking for a CEO. I already have one in mind. I'm looking for a new COO." Nilingon ko si Alex. "How about that?"
"No."
"Alex—"
"I don't want it. I don't want to be anything if you're not going to be with me."
This past few weeks, I discovered something. For a person who rarely cries, when I do, I feel like it's because things are that painful. Pero may mas masakit pala ro'n. Iyon 'yung kapag ngumingiti ka pa rin kahit na lumuluha ka na. Kasi gusto mong makita nila na okay ka lang pero hindi magawang pigilan ng puso mo na ipakita kung anong iyong totoo mong nararamdaman. You wanted to smile so that the people you care about would hurt less, but your heart just couldn't take it anymore to keep pretending.
Inilibot ko ang paningin ko sa lahat. Everyone looks grim, even the assholes on my board of directors. We might not see things eye-to-eye every time, but like Alex said, they can't question my competence. Kahit minsan gustong subukan ng iba.
We all shared every struggle, every hurdle, and every success.
"I want to get better. I am hoping that I could have more years to argue with all of you, to stress you out, and to make some of you cry. I've been trying. I am trying. I didn't want to make this your problem. But I also know that I can't keep being selfish, I can't keep doing things alone, and though I love Maven so much, I really want to have more time with my family."
Alex stood up, turning his back on me, his hands grappling his normally meticulously perfect hair. Si Stella na nasa tabi niya ay nakasubsob na sa mga kamay niya.
"I also want a bit of time for myself so that I can have the strength to fight this highly inconvenient illness. Pero hindi ko iyon magagawa kung wala kayo." Tumingin ako sa direksyon ni Alex. "I can't trust Maven to anyone else, and we both know Stella can't come back. Not after she worked hard to finally be free of the corporate world."
Stella's body racked with both a sob and laughter while Alex gave me a sharp look. I would have thought he's angry, except his eyes are red.
"I'm still going to lead Maven. I just need help. I'm not going anywhere, unless I have to. The truth is, I don't know how long I'm going to be here. I don't know if I'm going to survive this. I don't know if I'm going to live another year, much more five to twenty years. There are days that I'm hopeful, and there are days that I'm not. There are days that I feel good, and there are days that I'm at my worst. So I need all the help that I can get, and I need to know that Maven is in good hands."
Tumayo ako mula sa kinauupuan ko. I've gone through a lot of grueling processes to get to where I am now, but I wouldn't have made it if not for the people around me. Kung hindi dahil sa mga taong nandito ngayon.
I started moving. "I have spent amazing years with all of you. We wanted to land on the moon, but we even reached the stars. I don't regret any of the time I spent here." I paused in front of Alex and Stella. "Thank you."
In a blink of an eye, I was surrounded. Hindi lang nina Stella at Alex na nakayakap sa akin kundi ng mga empleyado ko na naging bahagi ng buhay ko rito sa Maven.
They'll be okay. No matter what happens, I know that they won't crumble. No matter where I am, I'll be cheering for them in the same way that I would if I were with them.
HINDI MAWALA ang ngiti sa mga labi ko habang papasok ako ng elevator ng Dagger. I sent a quick reply to Magnus, who sent me a picture of himself. Sabi ko kasi sa kaniya ay miss ko ng makita siya kahit na kanina lang na lunch ay magkasama kami.
"I'll see you upstairs."
Napaangat ako ng mukha at ang una kong nakita ay si Kuya Trace na nasa reception at may kinukuhang mga kahon doon. Nanlalaki ang mga matang nakatingin siya sa akin at sa taong ngayon ay nakatayo sa tabi ko sa loob ng pasaradong elevator.
"Hello."
I managed to force out a greeting to my father, who's standing beside me. "Hi."
I've been in awkward situations before, but it's rare for any of those to bother me. Except for now, I couldn't find it in me to say anything.
He started. "I'm—"
"I—"
Parehas kaming natigilan nang halos sabay kaming nagsalita. He gestured with his hand for me to go first, but I shook my head.
Humugot siya ng malalim na hininga. "I'm sorry."
I swallowed the lump in my throat. "For what? For not remembering me? It's not like it's your fault."
"I just... I feel like I should apologize. You're my—"
"It's okay." I didn't want to hear him say it. That I'm his daughter. It feels painful to come from someone who forgot my whole existence. "I'm sorry too."
"You don't need to apologize for anything."
"I do. Because you might not remember me, but I remember you. I know you're my father, I remember every memory we shared together, but I'm still angry at you. I can't help but be angry at you."
"Luna—"
"You forgot about me. Me. I waited for you. I was the last one to believe you're gone. I was the last one to accept that you're really dead." I gritted my teeth, refusing to let the tears forming in my eyes fall. Mukha namang nakikisama iyon sa akin bagay na nitong mga nakaraan ay nahihirapan akong gawin. "But at the same time, I feel relieved. I was more begging for you to return than for me to get better. Kasi kailangan ka ng mga kapatid ko at ngayon nandito ka na para sa kanila. I got my wish."
Ang dami ko pang gustong sabihin pero pinigil ko ang mga iyon. Like I said, it's not his fault that he couldn't remember me. Hindi ko nga lang din kayang pigilin ang sarili ko na nasasaktan dahil sa bagay na iyon.
Thankfully, it was the time that the elevator chose to open. Nauna na akong lumabas at hindi na ako nagtakang sumunod siya. I asked for a family meeting and he's family. Hindi na siya dapat isasama pero sinabihan ko ang mga kapatid ko na kung gusto ng ama namin ay walang problema sa akin. Even if I don't know if he'll care about the things that I wanted to talk about with everyone. Which I doubt since I'm basically a stranger to him.
I gave my sisters-in-law, who were lounging on the sofa, a small smile before I headed straight to the conference room here on the fourth floor. Naabutan ko roon si Kuya Axel na mukhang hindi napansin ang ama namin dahil sa akin kaagad napunta ang atensyon niya at bahagyang naningkit ang mga mata niya.
"What?" I asked.
"I was in the control room early in the morning."
Napakunot ang noo ko sa takbo ng usapan namin. "Okay?"
"Return Dagger's car."
"Ibabalik naman na talaga. Magnus bought me a new car."
"Good. Because I might need to bleach my eyes if I saw you and your husband in that car again." Pinagkrus niya ang mga braso niya. "Distracted driving is just as bad as drunk driving, you know?"
Napanganga ako na nasundan ng pag-iinit ng mukha ko. Of course, there's a camera in that car! Lahat pa naman ng stop light sinulit namin ni Magnus! I don't blame him for looking at me like he wants to take his eyes out. Ganoon din ang nararamdaman ko kada makakarinig ako ng kuwento tungkol sa kanila ng iba pa naming mga kapatid galing sa mga asawa nila. I wanted to take out my brain each time and cut my own ears.
"Is everyone here?"
We turned to the sound of Kuya Thorn's voice. Everyone's already piling up behind him. Our father and Lucienne were the last on the line, and I have no doubt she is trying to lessen his possible awkwardness at the moment. She's good at that, and despite everything, I'm grateful for her.
"Yes," I answered.
Nagkaniya-kaniya na sila ng upo. Kuya Thorn offered his usual place to me, which was on the head of the table, but I shook my head and took the one beside Kuya Gun, who was sitting on our eldest brother's right side.
"Si Magnus?" tanong ni Lia.
"He's at work. Sinabi ko sa kaniya na makikipagkita ako sa inyo. He doesn't know why, though, and I prefer it to be that way."
Si Belaya ang sumunod na nagsalita. "Is everything okay?"
Nakangiting tumango ako bago ako huminga ng malalim. "I just have a few things to say. Gusto ko isahan na lang. Una, kumontak ang lawyer ni Zachary. He wanted to see me during his trial. I planned to go because his other victims' families would be there. Pero since siya mismo ang nagsabi na gusto niya akong pumunta ay wala na akong balak ituloy iyon. Instead, please be there for me. I just know it would set him off. He's an older brother, just like you are to me. He killed his little sister, and he kept on killing her every time he took a life. But I have brothers who protected me, which is why I survived him."
"We'll be there," Kuya Thorn said immediately, which the others echoed.
I murmured a thank you and gave them a small smile. "Second, my treatment plan. I know everyone is researching and asking people that could help." They've been talking about it non-stop in our group chat. "Walang problema sa akin 'yon. If you know someone, then they can contact my doctor. But my treatment plan is between me and my husband, and my husband wants what I want. I'm not going through chemo."
I noticed my father massaging his temple, and his eyebrows are furrowed as if he's getting a migraine. Hindi iyon mukhang dahil sa desisyon ko kundi parang pisikal talaga siyang may iniinda.
Ibinalik ko ang atensyon ko sa mga kapatid ko. "I've thought about it for years. I know it's on the front line of defense, but I'm not going through it. Yes, it could extend my life, but it can also turn the rest of what I have into the worst moments of my life. I don't want that, I'm not going to have that, and I won't put you all through that." Kita ang pagtutol sa mukha ng ilan pero ipinagpapasalamat ko na nanatili silang tahimik kahit na taliwas doon ang gusto nilang mangyari. "My husband will be the one to decide when something happens, and I couldn't make the decision myself."
"Like what happened?" Kuya Trace whispered. "Or are you talking about something more?"
"Both. Kapag nawalan ako ako ng kakayahan makapagdesisyon para sa sarili ko o wala na ako rito para gawin iyon." There were sharp intakes of breath. I balled my hand into fists under the table, trying not to let the pain that crossed their faces affect me. Marami pa akong kailangan sabihin sa kanila. "Magnus wanted to share everything with me. Alam kong ganoon din kayo. I can't stop hurting you. I will suffer, and you'll be aware that I am suffering. But I don't want anyone to see every minute of it. You'll come when I can't visit you anymore, but you'll go home afterwards. I don't want you watching me throw up and be in pain."
"Luna..." Kua Pierce's jaw tightened. "Are you asking us not to do anything?"
"No, Kuya. I'm asking you to let me do this for all of you." I can feel my nails biting into my palms as I take another huge breath. "I can already see how many times my husband would hurt from this. I don't want him to, but leaving me alone is the only thing he wouldn't give me. I'm already trying to learn to accept the fact that I will break his heart. Don't let me break yours too."
Pain is pain. Kapag may nawala sa atin masakit. Pero may mas mahirap pa doon at iyon ay panoorin ang taong mahalaga sa atin na unti-unting mawala. I'm not naive. I know they will still witness me in pain. Pero iyong bawat sandali pinapanood nila iyon katulad kung paanong nakita namin iyon sa mama namin? I don't want that.
There's a reason why they hate the hospital. Kung bakit kapag may naoospital sa mga sister-in-law namin ay hindi maikakaila ang takot nila.
Wounds can heal. The scar could be a reminder of the pain, but it wasn't the scariest part. It's the phantom pain that sometimes follows. Even a scar could lighten until you can barely see it. Memory could fade. But the pain from a wound that has already closed up? That's the most difficult part, because it's the hardest to cure.
"Which brings me to the third. It's both a confession and a request, actually." They need to know everything, and I haven't told them all of it yet. "Si Magnus ang unang nakaalam sa sitwasyon ko." Nang may maalala ko ay napatingin ako kay Mireia. "And Naynay."
Mireia's lips trembled, but she returned my smile. Bukod sa aming magkakapatid ay siya ang nakakaalam ng pinagdadaanan ko at pagdadaanan ko pa lang. She fought with Naynay for years, celebrated with her when she did, and grieved for her when it returned and she lost her.
"Magnus and I didn't get married for love. Or at least I didn't know we did."
The room exploded. That's the only description I could give. Hindi pa siguro maaawat ang mga kapatid ko sa sunod-sunod na tanong nila kung hindi pa sumipol si Lucienne at pumalakpak na parang nagtatawag ng kalapati. "Kalma, guys. Baka pwedeng patapusin natin si Luna? Kasi sure akong may plot twist sila. Unless bihasang artista sila katulad ni Belaya, I doubt kaya nilang pekein lahat."
I mouthed a thank you to her, and she gave me a thumbs up and a big smile. This is one of the moments that I know how perfect she is for my eldest brother. Lucienne cares a lot. She also lost a lot of people in her life. Kaya nga sobrang halaga sa kaniya ng pamilya namin eh. Kaya alam ko na hindi rin madali sa kaniya ang nangyayari. But unlike me, unlike the smiles that people have been giving me, hers was the most genuine. That's her strength.
"He loves me. He fell in love with me the same day I got my diagnosis. Araw kung saan nagdesisyon ako na simulan siyang iwasan. I didn't know that, so I thought getting married to him would not hurt him as much. After all, sa tagal kong pangungulit sa kaniya, hindi naman niya sinagot panliligaw ko di ba? He wanted to help, and the only way he could help me was to marry me. Kasi kung wala akong asawa, kayo ang unang hahanapin ng mga doktor. Kayo ang unang magdedesisyon para sa akin kapag hindi ko na kaya. Kayo ang sasalo sa lahat. So we got married, and he's been helping me ever since."
"That's why you didn't want to tell us your complete story," Lia said softly.
"Yes. I didn't want to lie more. But it turns out I didn't need to. He really loves me and I... I love him so much. I love him so much... love you all so much... that I'm going to do everything I can to prepare all of you just in case. I'm going to do the things that would be difficult to do... later."
"What do you mean?" Kuya Coal asked.
"I'm planning everything."
There were confused faces for a moment, but I saw the moment that realization hit Kuya Thorn who's been staring at me hard.
"I'm going to pick my casket, the decorations, the music, where I will get buried, which is beside Mama... everything. Kung may gusto kayong idagdag okay lang din." I blew a couple of breaths, trying to calm myself. But despite my efforts, my eyes soon welled with tears. "I know I'm asking for too much already, and I understand if you're angry and that you hate me right at this moment. But can you still do one thing for me?"
Yumakap ang katahimikan sa paligid. I held Kuya Thorn's eyes, my big brother and the one who stood up for me as a parent for years, at the same time that I avoided my father's, afraid that I wouldn't see anything in them.
His voice sounded rough with emotion when he finally spoke for the rest of our brothers. "What is it?"
"Take care of Magnus for me. You all have your wives and children. He... he won't have both if I... if I die."
"You won't die," Kuya Axel rasped out. "You can't."
"But if I do—"
"You're not going to." Sa pagkakataon na ito ay si Kuya Trace ang nagsalita. His face is red, but not with anger. "I'll give you years of my life if I can, Luna."
"And mine," Kuya Gun seconded.
They weren't the only ones. Hindi lang mga kapatid ko kundi maging ang mga hipag ko na isa-isang nagsalita. Despite the fact that what they're saying is impossible, I still couldn't help the tears in my eyes form more until they're on the edge of falling.
I was thankful that they didn't fall. I'm surrounded by people that I love, but I cried so much already in front of them, and I cried earlier at Maven. Binibigyan ko na ng quota ang sarili ko. I also want to do it in my safe place. In Magnus' arms. So that I could stop smiling while doing it, which seems to be an automatic defense of my body, an act of downplaying what I'm feeling in front of other people. But with Magnus, I can just let it all go.
I shook my head, trying to move past the overwhelming feeling that was embracing me. "Don't be like that, guys. You have children. You need to watch them grow up, get married, and have children of their own."
"And we will still have that. Sa dami namin, ilang taon na 'yon," sabi ni Kuya Trace.
"Sa kanila lang. Maikli lang ang dog years, Kuya, kasi times seven ang isang taon."
Kuya Trace slowly blinked as if he couldn't believe what I just said, while the others, despite everything, burst out laughing.
"Wow," Lucienne said through her giggle. "Iyan ba ang tinatawag nila na morbid humor? Kasi kung oo, I like it."
Tinapik-tapik ni Ember ang likod ng asawa. "Don't worry. I'm healthy. I'll give you some of mine too."
"Princess!"
Sumandal ko sa kinauupuan ko habang pinapanood ko silang lahat na magbangayan at magtawanan. A single tear fell down my cheek, and I was glad that they weren't looking.
That's when I saw that, while I was watching everyone else, my father was the only one watching me.
Mama used to say that I'm stubborn, like my father. We wanted to be the strongest, we didn't want to show our weakness, and we hate burdening others with our problems. But there was a time before Magnus came into my life, that my father was what he is to me now.
My safe place.
__________________________End of Chapter 49.
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