Chapter 27: Wall
DS8Uncovered #LuMa #BearCouple #DaggerSeries
CHAPTER 27: WALL
LUNA'S POV
I'm on the brink of drifting off to sleep when I was jostled a little at the same time I heard a splash nearby. Iminulat ko ang mga mata ko at nakita ko si Magnus na wala na ngayong pang-itaas at katulad ko ay nasa tubig na rin.
Woah. A picture of his pectorals could be the currency of a country. It almost seems unfair. He works out, but not as much as most gym rats out there. Pero kung titignan ang katawan niya ay parang kaya niyang taubin ang karamihan sa mga iyon. Para siyang hindi CEO ng publishing company. Para siyang tagabuhat ng mga libro.
"Nice floatie," he remarked.
Trip kasi ni Lucienne na bigyan ang iba pang mga babae ng salbabida na inspired sa "spirit animal" nila. Hence why Lucienne is currently on a unicorn floatie, Lia has one that has a dragon head, a cat for Belaya, a bunny for Mireia, a dog for Ember, a shark for Circe, and a minnie mouse floatie for Tiara.
The one I have around me has a bear design. It's frowning like a pissed-off grizzly bear, which I find amusing because it reminds me of my husband.
"Gusto mo? Pwede naman kitang bilhan. Iyong nakangiti naman para bagay sa sunny personality mo. Winnie the Pooh, perhaps? Ikaw walang shirt, siya walang pantalon," biro ko.
His eyes narrowed into a slit. "Funny."
I snickered. Hindi man siya katulad ng unang Magnus na nakilala ko pero hindi ibig sabihin ay naglaho na ang kasupladuhan niya. He's still the grouchy bear that I know.
Isinandal ko ang pisngi ko sa floatie. Nandito kasi kaming lahat sa beach house nina Circe at Kuya Coal. We all decided to eat near the pool since balak naman ng mga lalaki na mag-barbecue talaga. While they were busy grilling the food, me and the other women decided to swim.
"Akala ko may trabaho ka pa?" tanong ko sa kaniya.
"Bukas ko na lang tatapusin."
My eyebrow probably reached my hairline. "Ikaw? Ipagpapabukas ang trabaho?"
He gave me a look before tugging on the ear of my bear floatie. Dahil sa ginawa niya ay napalapit ako sa kaniya. "Napapagod din ako."
"Ikaw? Napapagod—"
Napigil ang pang-aasar ko sa kaniya nang halos wala ng natirang espasyo sa pagitan naming dalawa. My heart felt like it wanted to jump out of my chest when his thick arm surrounded the floatie. Parang mas gusto ko siyang gawing salbabida.
Napadiretso ako. "Uhh... what are you doing?"
Isinandal niya ang mukha niya sa salbabida. "Nagpapahinga."
I swallowed hard. He's so close that I could feel the heat radiating off of him. I could even smell the subtle hint of his perfume clinging to his skin.
We have been around my family a lot of times, but the way we show intimacy stays on a minimal level. We do the occasional holding of hands, but that's it. We stay close, but not in the way that my brothers do to their wives.
I watched as Magnus closed his eyes and hugged the floatie close. He's basically hugging me close since I'm inside the floating device. "Y-You're... you're going to squish me."
His eyelids fluttered open, and for a moment, all I could do was stare at his beautiful face. Beautiful. Even that word is an understatement to describe how his face has been sculpted perfectly by the heavens.
"Let me borrow it then."
Napakurap ako. "You want to take my floatie away?"
"Hmm. Yup."
I couldn't help it. I chortled before I raised my hands to slip down from the floatie. Hindi pa ako nagtatagal sa ilalim ng tubig ay naramdaman kong may kamay na humila sa akin paangat. I resurfaced from the water faster than if I swam up, Magnus' strong arms pulling me. And at the next moment, I found myself plastered on his side.
"W-What... what are you doing?"
Imbis na sagutin ako ay kinuha niya ang mga braso ko at iniayos niya ang posisyon ko. He put my arms around his shoulder, and then he arranged me securely on his back. Hindi pa siya natapos doon dahil naramdaman ko ang mga kamay niya sa mga binti ko at ikinawit niya iyon sa bewang niya. Holy shit. I'm completely wrapped around him!
"I took your bear," he murmured. "So, I'm giving you another one."
"W... What?"
Yakap ang floatie na nilingon niya ako. "I'm your hubby bear, right?"
I just stared at him, dumbfounded. Is he... is he flirting with me? Magnus doesn't flirt. The word probably doesn't exist in his vocabulary. I've seen women flirt with him, and all his response was just his fake polite smile. Minsan nga pakiramdam ko ay hindi niya iniintindi ang sinasabi ng kausap niya at kahit parang nakikinig siya ay sa iba umiikot ang utak niya.
Nakita ko na rin siya kaharap ang mga taong interesado siyang kilalanin. People that I think he's trying to date but ended up failing because I keep popping up in his life. He listens to them, but he doesn't say anything. No teasing smile, mischievous glint in his eyes, or words that sent butterflies in your stomach.
It's simple when it comes to him. If he doesn't like you, you won't get his attention. If he does, then you will. Unless ako ang kaharap niya na sinisigurong mabubulahaw siya para wala siyang choice kundi makinig at intindihin ako.
Sinubukan kong bumaba mula sa sa pagkakasampa sa kaniya pero naramdaman ko ang isa niyang kamay na pumigil sa akin.
"Stay here," he commanded.
"Umm... why?"
"Wala akong kasama."
Tumikhim ako. "Pwede naman akong umupo sa gilid ng pool."
"Pwede namang dito ka lang." He glanced at me. "Are you really that bothered by my presence?"
"I-I'm not!"
"I get it. It's because you're no longer the twenty-five-year-old woman with sparkling eyes, right? You're a company owner now with an international reach. Sino nga lang ba ako? I'm just a boring old man."
My lips parted when he even added a sigh to his intentionally self-depreciating words. What is happening to the world? If Magnus doesn't flirt, he also doesn't joke around. Wait, he's not serious, is he?
Patagilid na sinipat ko ang mukha niya, pero pinaling niya lang ang ulo niya para hindi ko siya magawang tignan. I did the same on the side, but he just turned his head again to hide from me.
I leaned on his huge back and climbed up more to look down at him in a way that was like looking-under-the-bed-for-monsters style which made him burst out laughing.
Lukot ang mukha na itinulak ko siya at kumawala ako sa kaniya, pero hindi pa ako nagtatagal sa tubig ay muli niya akong nahuli. Pinakawalan niya ang salbabida at sa halip ay pumalibot ang mga kamay niya sa akin at hinapit ako palapit sa kaniya para maiangat niya ako ulit. Ang pagkakaiba lang ay hindi niya ako isinampa sa likod niya at sa halip ay nasa harapan niya na ako ngayon.
His gaze roamed around my face, and for a moment, I thought his eyes lingered a bit longer on my lips. "I like it."
"Like... what?"
"Wala kang ginawa noon kundi bulabugin ang buhay ko."
I scrunch my nose. "So ang ibig mong sabihin ay gumaganti ka?"
"Yeah." Bumitaw ang isa niyang kamay sa akin pero humigpit ang braso niyang nananatiling nakapalibot sa katawan ko. He tapped my nose lightly. "It's cute when you do that."
"FYI, hindi ako cute. Maganda ako."
"You're that too."
Napataas ang kilay ko. "Wow. Ang yaman natin sa compliments ngayon ah. Anong nakain mo?"
"Your burnt toast with medium rare chicken."
Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mga mata. "I told you not to eat it!"
Nagkibit-balikat siya. "Akala ko sunog na tinapay lang ang problema. Hindi ko naman alam na balak mo akong bigyan ng salmonella."
Minsan kasi akong gumawa ng crispy fried tenders on toast noon. Nagpadala kasi si Mireia ng rustic sourdough na gawa niya kaya naisipan kong gumawa ng sandwich para sa amin ni Magnus.
"Ewan ko sa'yo." I tried to wriggle free from his grasp, but of course I couldn't do it. "Wala ka bang balak akong pakawalan?"
"Wala."
I was taken aback for a moment by how quick he answered and the way he said that one word with great intensity. "Paano kung gusto ko na pakawalan mo ako?"
"You know what I realized when we got married?" he asked instead of answering my question.
"What?"
"Before, you say and get what you want. Now, you say things you don't mean and stop yourself from getting what you really want." Hindi niya ako binigyan ng pagkakataon na sumagot. He leaned forward until our faces were just a few centimeters away from each other. "You know what else I realized?"
"What?" I whispered.
"How I want nothing but to make sure to give you everything that you don't want to be completely honest about."
I TIPTOED out of the room and thankfully, Magnus didn't rouse from sleep. Madaling-araw na rin kasi at ilang oras na rin mula ng magpaalam kami sa pamilya ko para mauna ng matulog.
Nakatulog naman din ako kaagad. The medications I have exhaust me more than before. Iyon nga lang ay hindi dumidiretso ang tulog ko. Bigla kasi akong nakakaramdam ng gutom na hindi nakakapagtaka dahil kadalasan ay buong araw na wala akong ganang kumain.
Dumiretso ako sa kusina ng beach house. Sigurado akong may pagkain pa dahil bukod sa barbecue ay may dala ring pagkain si Lia. Knowing Lia, hindi iyon nagdadala ng sakto lang.
My stomach growled when I opened the fridge and saw the stack of food containers inside. Sinilip ko ang mga laman no'n at nilabas ko ang mga gusto ko lang. I was tempted to take out the bacon-wrapped hotdogs, but I didn't. Alam kong gawa ni Lia ang hotdog pero hindi ako sigurado sa bacon.
Nasanay na kasi ako kay Magnus na binabawasan ang pagkain ko ng processed food. Kaya kahit tulog naman na siya at pwede akong mandaya ay hindi ko magawa.
"Midnight snack?"
Muntik kong mabitawan ang hawak ko nang biglang may nagsalita. Nanlalaki ang mga matang napatingin ako sa ngayon ay nakatayo malapit sa akin na si Mireia.
Sinapo ko ang tapat ng puso ko. "You almost gave me a heart attack."
"Sorry." Nangingiting umupo siya sa isa mga high stool. Binuksan niya ang box na nakapatong sa center island at kumuha siya ng banana muffin mula ro'n. Tinignan niya ang mga pagkain na inilabas ko para initin. "Hungry?"
"Ahuh."
Sinimulan kong initin ang mga iyon. I could feel Mireia's eyes on me as I did, so I turned to look at her. "Gusto mo?"
Inangat niya ang hawak niya. "Okay na ako sa muffin. Ang dami ko ring nakain kanina kaso hindi ako nakapag-dessert dahil nag-aaya na si Axel." I gave her an ew face, which made her laugh. "Nag-aaya ng matulog."
"Kailangan kasama ka kapag matutulog na siya?"
"I could ask you the same."
Wala akong nagawang isagot sa kaniya. Ako naman kasi ang kailangang matulog ng maaga at si Magnus lang ang sumabay sa akin. Hindi naman siya makuwento at alam kong pagod na rin siya kaya hindi ko naman kinuwestiyon na hindi siya nagpaiwan.
Silence shrouded the dimly lit kitchen. Nang magawa kong iinit ang mga pagkain ay nagsalin ako sa plato at umupo ako sa harapan ni Mireia. Maganang kumain ako habang siya ay pinapanood lang ako.
After a few minutes, the way she's staring at me is starting to make me uncomfortable. Para kasing hindi naman siya nakatingin sa akin dahil mukhang lumilipad ang utak niya sa kung saan.
"Mireia?"
She blinked. "Hmm?"
"Are you okay?"
"Are you?"
Nabitawan ko ang hawak ko na kutsara. Her eyes drop to it before she glances back up at me. "I'm not going to ask."
I suddenly feel dizzy. I wanted to run away. I could feel every wall I built starting to crack. Walls I built not to protect myself but to protect them.
"Mireia—"
"Don't say anything. I'm not going to ask," she repeated. "Believe me, I want to know. But if you tell me, I can't hide it from my husband, and I have a feeling that you don't want him to know."
Damn it. My brothers can feel it. I know the women do too. But Mireia has lived almost half of her life caring for a mother who was sick. Of course she knows. Of course, she could see the signs.
"I need you to think hard about it. I don't know how long I can stay oblivious," she whispered. "Just tell me one thing."
Tumango ako. "O-Okay."
"Are you going to be fine?"
I felt my heart constrict at the question, but I forced myself to answer. "Yes."
Her eyes turned misty, but she smiled. She knew. She could hear the lie. But for me... and for my brothers, I could see how she's trying her best to believe me.
"If you need anything..."
I nodded. "I'll tell you."
But of course, that too, she knows is a lie. Dahil kung totoo iyon ay dapat matagal na nilang alam.
I don't know how long we stayed there. She didn't leave me, even though she could. Matagal na siyang tapos kumain pero hinintay niya pa rin ako na matapos. When I was done, she gave me one last look before she murmured her goodbye.
Ilang sandaling nananatili lang ako sa kinaroroonan ko at nakatingin sa kawalan. Suddenly, I feel like I'm running out of time more than I did before.
Mireia was right. She can't stay oblivious forever. It's unfair to put her in that kind of position. But the thing is, I already know I don't have forever. I don't think I even have long. The hand of the clock I was dealt with is more unpredictable than the ones others have.
All I'm asking for is a little bit of time so that I can keep them in the dark. Because there, they wouldn't need to be hurt. They've gone through it before. I've gone through it. I don't want to be the one who makes them relieve all of that again.
Death is easy. It's the dying part that's hard. The thing is... even if death only comes for one, the process of dying doesn't only happen to one person. Lahat ng taong nagmamahal sa'yo ay pagdadaanan iyon kasama mo. That's what I don't want to happen.
With a heavy heart, I found myself walking back to the room Magnus and I were sharing. Tahimik na pumasok ako sa loob at umupo ako sa tabi niya. Pero imbis na humiga ay nanatiling nakatingin lang ako sa natutulog na mukha ng lalaki.
He's the only person that is going through the process with me, and I still wanted to believe that it wouldn't be a problem. He's safe. He doesn't love me. He cares, but that's the extent of what we share. He will go through it with me because he's the only one who knows, but he wouldn't go through the process of dying with me. He wouldn't be hurt as much as those who love me.
I've told him what I feel for him what felt like a hundred times that I like him. I know that I have told him that I fell in love with him at first sight. He knows it from the books, and he knows it from me. And still, in all those years, he didn't fall for me. So he's safe. He will be okay.
"I love you so much." Even though I know he couldn't hear me, my voice still comes out as a whisper. "But I'm glad that you don't believe me when I say I do. I'm glad that you don't feel the same way. Please... please stay that way. That's safer for you so that you could protect your heart from me."
_____________________________End of Chapter 27.
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