Chapter 12: Rain
#DS8Uncovered #LuMa #BearCouple #DaggerSeries
CHAPTER 12: RAIN
LUNA'S POV
A few years ago...
I was tapping my foot impatiently. Gusto ko ng tawagan si Lia para sabihin na kailangan niya akong pakainin today bilang kabayaran sa napakatagal kong pag-iintay dito sa ospital.
It was Lia who started my family's annual wellness exam. Cancer runs in the family, and she wanted to make sure that all of us became proactive when it comes to our health. Kuya Gun would do anything she wanted, so he agreed and made it so that everyone would as well.
Hindi rin naman kami makakatanggi kahit gustuhin namin. Mamaya hindi na kami imbitahin sa kanila. Lagi pa naman kaming nasa bahay nila Lia para makikain.
Napapabuntong-hininga na kinuha ko mula sa bag ko ang cellphone ko at binuksan ko ang group chat namin. Mukhang online ang karamihan sa pamilya ko dahil ang dami kong unread messages. Mabuti na lang naka-mute ako. Kung hindi kasi ay siguradong hindi matatahimik ang cellphone ko.
A new message came from my older brother, Trace.
Trace: May binebenta raw na custom statement shirt ang kapatid ni Rage para sa medication ng senior dog ng kapatid niya. Pagawa tayo.
I typed in a reply to say yes at the same time that the others started responding.
Trace: Ano kayang ipapalagay ko sa akin?
Lucienne: For adoption.
Malakas na napatawa ako at kaagad na tinakpan ko ang bibig ko nang gulat na mapatingin sa akin ang mga dumadaan. I gave them an apologetic smile before I turned back to my phone.
Trace: Grabe ka na talaga sa akin, Lush. Di ba dapat nga mabait ka sa akin kasi brother-in-law mo ako?
Lucienne: Hindi kita brother-in-law.
Trace: Oh my god.
Katulad ko ay puro HAHA react lang ang ginawa nina Lia at Belaya. Even Mireia, who I'm hoping is going to be my new future sister-in-law, is doing the same. Kapag nagsimula na kasi sa bangayan sina Lucienne at Kuya Trace as mas okay na 'wag ng sumingit sa kanila at manood na lang. That's how you can fully enjoy the show of them biting each other's heads off.
Lucienne: What?
Trace: This is a revelation. Hindi talaga kayo totoong kasal ni Kuya Thorn?! Kaya hindi mo ako brother-in-law?
Lucienne: ...
Lucienne: You're right. This is a revelation.
Lucienne: I'm revealing that you're the only Dawson who is not one of my in-laws. Dahil foster brother ka lang nila.
Kuya Trace sent a couple of angry emoji that sent me snickering.
Lucienne: It's okay, Trace. It's time.
Lucienne: It's time to find your forever home. Huwag kang mag-aalala. Marami ng animal lover ngayon kaya makakahanap tayo ng aampon sa'yo.
Napailing na lang ako. Basag na naman si Kuya Trace kay Lucienne. Bihira naman kasi talaga siyang manalo pagdating sa babae.
Before Lucienne came, bibihira ang taong nakakabawas sa kakulitan ng panlima kong kapatid. My other older brothers just learned how to ignore his antics. Parte na kasi ng personality ni Kuya Trace ang pagiging alien niya. Pero nang maging parte ng pamilya si Lucienne ay nagkaroon na kami ng tagabasag sa matayog na kahanginan ng kapatid kong nag-uumapaw ang confidence.
Iyon nga lang minsan dalawa na silang sakit ng ulo ng mga kapatid ko. Lalo na ni Kuya Thorn.
Ibinalik ko sa bag ko ang cellphone at nag-angat ako ng tingin. Mukhang may apat o lima pang mauuna sa akin bago ako matawag.
Napabuntong-hininga ako. Kung maaga sana akong pumunta baka nauna na akong matapos. Day off ko naman today. But I was procrastinating all morning since I really hate hospitals.
Isinukbit ko sa balikat ko ang bag ko at tumayo ako. I need coffee if I want to keep my sanity with all this waiting.
I found my way to the cafeteria, and before falling in line, I decided to look for their selections first. Nakahinga ako ng maluwag nang makita ko na hindi lang instant coffee ang meron sila.
I have nothing against instant coffees since there are some that are really good, but I have tried hospital coffee before when I was the only one that could stay with Arctic, my brother Pierce's son, while he was out of the country and my nephew got sick, and I didn't particularly enjoy the drink.
Nang makapili ako ng kape at nakita ko rin na meron silang Filipino pastry cookie na minsan kong nakita sa opisina ni Kuya Axel ay dumiretso na ako sa pila.
"Hi!" I greeted the male employee at the counter, who's probably in his early twenties. "Can I have an iced flat white but add two pumps of caramel syrup?" Itinuro ko ang salamin nila na estante. "And also one ulap."
Sandaling nakatulalang nakatingin lang sa akin ang lalaki. "Po?"
"Isang iced flat white with two pumps of caramel syrup at saka isang ulap. Saka may credit card kayo? Wala akong cash eh."
"Umm..."
I felt a presence behind me step closer. Too close. Kunot ang noo na lumingon ako para sana umalma pero nawala lahat ng inis ko na naipon mula kaninang umaga dahil sapilitan ang pagpunta ko rito nang makita ko kung sino ang nakatayo sa tabi ko.
This day just got better.
"She'll have the iced flat white. Bigyan mo na lang siya ng sugar packets. At saka isang otap." Magnus fishes out his wallet from his back packet. Naglabas siya ng pera mula roon at inabot iyon sa empleyado bago siya humarap sa akin. "Wala ka sa coffee shop. This is a hospital and this one in particular has smaller selections." Itinuro niya ang sign na nakatayo sa isang panig ng counter na hindi ko napansin. "They don't accept credit cards right now. At wala din silang tinitindang ulap. You're not in heaven and I doubt the angel sells clouds for fun."
Kumurba ang malapad na ngiti sa mga labi ko. "Uy! Nag-jo-joke ka na sa akin ngayon. Ibig bang sabihin nito mas close na tayo kesa noon? Effective pala ang panliligaw ko."
Magnus glanced at the two nurses, who seem to have heard what I said since they're giving us weird looks. "Can you not broadcast it to the world?" he asked gruffly.
"So tanggap mo ng nililigawan kita?"
"No."
May sasabihin pa sana ako pero hindi ko nagawang ituloy iyon nang sumulpot ang empleyado dala ang mga binili ko. Well, technically, binili ni Magnus para sa akin. Sosyal! Parang ayoko ng kainin at inumin ang mga 'to. I-preserve ko na lang kaya?
Imbis na lumayo nang makuha ko ang mga iyon ay umusog lang ako para makabili si Magnus at pagkatapos ay nanatili ako sa kinatatayuan ko. Muntik pa kaming magkabanggaan nang humarap siya sa direksyon ko at nakita niya akong nakatayo sa likuran niya.
"What are you still doing here?"
I gave him a sweet smile. "Hinihintay ka. Alam mo namang sanay akong mag-intay pagdating sa'yo."
He let out a sigh, but he didn't say anything else.
"Want to go out to dinner with me? Kapalit ng mga binili mo para sa akin."
"I'm busy, so no. And I didn't ask you to pay me back, did I?"
"So libre mo 'to sa akin?" I put a hand on top of my heart. "We're progressing so fast. Pagkain pa lang ang binibigay mo sa akin ngayon pero baka sa susunod niyan pangalan mo na."
He blinked slowly, as if he couldn't comprehend how I came to that conclusion. "I'll reimburse your brothers later. With interest. So don't feel so indebted dahil doble ang hihingin ko na kapalit."
Ang lupit talaga nitong future hubby ko. Kaya bagay na bagay kami eh. Bagay siya sa kasupladahan ko.
"Ano nga palang ginagawa mo rito, HB?" Nalusaw ang ngiti ko ng may maisip. "May masakit ba sa'yo? May sakit ka? Anong sabi ng mga doktor? Kailangan mo ba ng kidney kasi kumpleto pa ang akin kaya kung kailangan mo—"
"I don't need your kidney, but thanks." Minasahe niya ang sentido niya na para bang minamigraine siya sa pagkausap sa akin. "And HB? You mean highblood? Parang magkakaroon nga ako ngayon na mismo."
Ngumuso ako. "HB. Hubby bear." I fluttered my eyelashes at him. "Since you're my future husband."
He looked like he wanted to bite my head off, but instead he just pressed his lips together. Nang tawagin ang atensyon niya ng empleyado ay kinuha niya ang kape niya at naglakad ng paalis na hindi ako nililingon.
Ngingiti-ngiting sumunod ako sa kaniya hanggang sa magkasabay na kaming naglalakad. I heard him sigh which only made me smile more. Aminin, nasasanay na rin siya sa kakulitan ko.
"You didn't answer my question," I told him.
"Will you leave me alone if I tell you?"
"Hmm. Depende. Kung may sakit ka siyempre kailangan mo ng magbabantay sa'yo." Itinaas ko ang kamay ko. "I volunteer as tribute."
He shook his head and took a sip of his coffee. "I'm not sick. I'm just visiting someone."
"Kamag-anak mo?"
"Kaibigan."
"Oh. How is he?"
Nagbaba siya ng tingin sa akin. "She's fine."
Any feeling of lightness the moment I saw him fled from me. I wasn't kidding when I told him before that I'm not normally a jealous kind of person, but I don't know if I can say the same thing if another woman comes into his life.
"Gusto mo akong samahan?" tanong ko sa kaniya.
"I told you, I'm visiting—"
"You said she's fine. You already visited her. Hindi mo na siya kailangang balikan."
For a moment, he didn't say anything. The expression on his face didn't change, but I could see a spark of something else behind his eyes as he looked at me as if he were trying to take all of me in.
"Let's go," he said after awhile.
"Hindi mo na siya pupuntahan?"
"Ihahatid kita kung saan floor ka pupunta." We stopped in front of the elevators, and he pressed the up button. He glanced at me, and his forehead furrowed a bit. "Are you sick?"
"Sa ganda kong 'to? Mukha ba akong may sakit?"
"Hindi. Mukha kang sakit sa ulo."
Despite the jealousy gnawing at me, I couldn't help but laugh at his words.
We both stepped inside when the doors of the lift opened. Pinindot ko ang palapag ng pupuntahan ko bago ako sumandal sa malamig na haligi ng elevator.
"You have a habit of evading my questions," I voiced out after a few seconds of silence between us. I looked up at him, and to my surprise, I saw that he's already looking at me. "Are you going to see her again? Because if you do, you'll break my heart, and I will need a bucket of ice cream later to cry for my poor heart."
"If that's the case, then will you give up on whatever game you're playing?"
"I'm not playing any games." Humakbang ako palapit sa kaniya at dahil maliit lang ang espasyo ng kinaroroonan namin ay hindi niya nagawang makaatras. "You want to know the answer to your question?" I whispered, a coy smile on my face. "There's nothing on this planet that can make me give up on you. Not even you."
Silence shrouded us again. A small ping breaks it, signalling that the elevator doors are about to open. Nauna akong lumabas pero nang maramdaman kong hindi nakasunod sa akin si Magnus ay nilingon ko siya.
He's still inside the lift without showing any sign that he'll step out of it. He said one word before the doors closed.
"No."
Despite the negativity associated with the world, my heart became alight with joy knowing that it was an answer to what I asked him.
One point for Luna!
I didn't know that as I walked down the hallway of the hospital that it would be the last time. The last time that I felt so free to love him.
It didn't change. What I feel for him is something that I can't stop. Even if the world changes, it's one thing that nothing can touch. But it can stay frozen... suspended in time. Because even though my heart stayed the same, the rest changed. My love remained, and yet I couldn't stay true to my words.
Nothing can make me give up on him. Not even him himself.
Except for me.
I WAS ALREADY having a bad day. Pero pinatunayan ng langit na may ilalala pa nang maramdaman ko ang patak ng ulan sa balat ko.
I clenched my teeth, willing myself not to scream. Mariing pinikit ko ang mga mata ko at hinayaan kong mabasa ang mukha ko ng tubig ulan. The droplets felt like they came from the freezer, given how cold they were.
"What do you think you are doing?"
I don't need to look to know who the owner of the voice is. Maging ang presensiya niya ay kilala ko. That's why, all night, I know what places to avoid. Mga lugar kung saan nandoon siya.
"Nothing," I told him, my tone dismissive.
Dumiretso ako ng tayo at akmang maglalakad na ako palayo nang maramdaman ko na pinigilan niya ako sa braso. Mabilis na hinubad niya ang coat niya at isinuot niya iyon sa akin bago pa ako makatanggi.
Umatras ako palayo sa kaniya. "I'm fine."
Hindi siya kaagad nagsalita at sa halip ay ilang sandaling nakatitig lang siya sa akin. "Have I done or said something wrong?"
"No—"
"But even then, even if I try to push you away, you never do what I want or what I say. So what changed?"
A lot of things.
"Hindi ba dapat matuwa ka nga?" balik kong tanong sa kaniya. "Wala ng nangungulit sa'yo. You're free to do whatever you want to do without me pestering you."
He has nothing to say about that. Tumingin siya sa pinanggalingan namin. The event is still ongoing. Ayoko sanang pumunta dahil out of the country pero wala namang ibang pwede kundi ako lang. So here I am in Los Angeles, the city of angels. What an apt name for my situation.
"Go back inside."
"I want to leave. Pupunta na sana ako sa car rental ko kung hindi mo ako pinigil," sabi ko.
Hindi niya pinansin ang huli kong sinabi. "Gusto mo ng umalis? Bakit? Dahil nandito ako?"
"Kung oo, anong gagawin mo?"
I expected him to walk away. Magnus doesn't have much patience for nonsense. Lalo na kung galingiyon sa isang tao na katulad ko na sa simula pa lang ay gusto na niyang iwasan pero hindi lang siya mabigyan ng pagkakataon dahil sulpot ako nang sulpot kung saan siya naroon.
"What's going on, Luna?"
I looked away. "Nothing."
"You're a terrible liar."
"And you're terrible at being nosy." I put my hand up and let it fall again in exasperation. "I don't know what else you want. Ayaw mong ginugulo kita pero ngayon na pinababayaan kita ikaw naman ang ayaw akong tigilan. I'm giving you what you want, Magnus."
"Why now?"
The droplets of rain are starting to get bigger, but none of us have moved. Pakiramdam ko ay sinasakal ang dibdib ko. It's been awhile that it feels like there's a chain in my neck getting tighter and tighter, making it so hard to breathe every second.
"Bakit hindi pwedeng ngayon?"
"Stop answering my question with another question, Luna."
"Then stop asking!"
Surprise colored his eyes at my outburst. I instantly felt guilty. Wala naman siyang kasalanan. But I just can't. I can't make him feel better. I can't make anyone feel better. Not now when I can't even do that for myself.
"What's going on?" he repeated.
I gritted my teeth. "Nothing."
"Why are you avoiding me?"
"Dahil iyon ang gusto mo."
"Why do you look like someone took your light away?"
My lips trembled, and I thanked the heavens that, for once, it's doing something in my favor. Tuluyam ng nagbagsakan ang ang malalaking patak ng ulan. The coat I'm wearing doesn't have much use. Not when both Magnus and I are now drenched with water.
"Get back inside," he said, his voice resigned. "I'll ask someone to get your car for you."
"You don't need—"
"Are you killing yourself then? You want to get pneumonia or freeze to death?"
Something with what he said broke the last straw. The cloud in my eyes, which wasn't a result of the rain, feels like a dam that has been freed. The expression on Magnus' face changed, telling me that the rain wasn't successful enough in concealing my tears.
"Tell me what's wrong," he said in the softest tone he ever gave me. "I'll help you."
"If getting married would lessen my problem, would you agree?" Nang hindi siya makasagot agad ay binigyan ko siya ng pilit na ngiti. "Just let me be, okay? You don't have to mind me. I won't bother you again."
"What if I said yes? Will you tell me then what's wrong?"
He took me by surprise for a second, but I shook my head as I let out a bitter laugh. "You can't be serious. I—"
"I'll call someone I know from here. He'll have us married in no time."
My teeth chattered, but I'm not so sure that it was just because of the cold seeping into my clothes. "W-What?"
"You want to get married, we'll get married."
"Just... just like that?"
"Divorce is easy here. I don't know why or how long you want to stay married, but if you're walking around like someone broke your heart and took away the light you always have, then I'll help you."
"What if I don't want a divorce?" He acted as if he were about to say something, but I beat him to it. "Sabagay. Hindi naman kailangan."
"What do you mean by that?"
"I don't have a clear timeline, but I guess it won't take that long before our marriage will be dissolved. What is marriage if the other one is gone, right?" I let out a chuckle. "I can't believe we're talking about this, and I don't believe you're humoring me."
"Luna."
Ipinilig ko ang ulo ko na para bang makakatulong iyon para maging malinaw ang pag-iisip ko. "You don't need to do anything. Just let me go. You can relax now. Wala ka ng sakit ng ulo—"
"Luna." Umangat ang mga kamay niya at hinawakan niya ako sa magkabilang balikat. "What do you mean by what you said?"
"Magnus. Please. I was just joking."
"I was not." Humigpit ang pagkakawag niya sa akin nang magtangka akong umalis. "Explain it to me. What do you mean by saying that you'll be gone?"
I told myself that it was right to give up on him. So for months, I stayed away. Because my heart needs to be content with what it feels. Hindi na pwedeng lumalim iyon. It can't change anymore, and neither can his. I need to stop convincing him. I need to stop forcing his heart to shift so that it will see me. Kasi hindi pwede. Hindi na pwede. It would be so unfair to him.
"If you marry me, you can't love me," I whispered so quietly that I'm not even sure if he heard. "It's only then that you can really help me."
He fell silent for a moment. I became confident that he didn't hear me, but then he spoke again. "Tell me."
I don't know what hurts. His unspoken agreement not to love me or what I'm about to say will solidify what I haven't been able to say out loud to anyone.
"I'm dying."
__________________________End of Chapter 12.
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