Chapter 57
If someone asks Izana after that battle whether he hates Takemichi for what he does to him, Izana finds it hard to answer. Or rather, he doesn't even know what it is he feels at that moment. Maybe, if Takemichi comes back that day with a victorious smile on his face, Izana gets angry at him - refuses to talk to him until he finally gives in and comes to coax him. But that never happens.
That day, Takemichi's men returned in a daze, their fight unfinished. Izana still couldn't calm down after the clash. Tenjiku's forces were shaken, their spirit crushed by defeat, while the Black Dragon men were buzzing with excitement, waiting for their leader to return so they could announce their final victory.
But instead, news comes in: the very boy who, moments ago, had stood strong and took down his enemy was suddenly rushed to the hospital. They said he vomited an alarming amount of blood...
Everyone froze in shock. Mikey and Draken wore the same disbelieving look, and then they lunged forward, seizing the messenger by the collar.
"What the hell did you just say? How's that even possible? Did Kisaki do something to him? Where is he? Where the hell is he now?"
Mikey lost control, roaring like a wounded beast. His eyes were wild, frantic, terrified - and Izana saw something else in them too. Something black, dense, and suffocating, so dark it made his skin crawl. If Izana had still aimed to hollow Mikey out, he knew for certain - killing Takemichi alone would be enough to bring Mikey's entire world crashing down.
But the bitter truth was, at that moment, Izana realized he wasn't any different from Mikey. The pain Takemichi carved into his flesh didn't come close to the sharp, suffocating ache of his heart twisting in fear.
And so Izana could only stay there in despair, watching Mikey and Draken run to Takemichi's side, while his own injured body kept him rooted in place, left to watch their silhouettes vanish beyond the borders of his domain.
Empty. That was what Izana felt during the days Takemichi lay unconscious. He did not know what to do next. Suddenly the purpose he had chased for so long turned upside down. He did not even know what he wanted then. And the most ridiculous thing about himself was that after all those years he thought he had never done anything wrong, that mistakes were fate and this hateful world - until a question popped into his head: "Did I do something wrong?"
Takemichi's scolding words still keep ringing in his mind. At first Izana felt irritated by them; he silently scolded the boy in return - what did he know? He was cruel to come and tempt, deceive him. Then Izana felt a little warmed, because those words sounded as if Takemichi scolded him for his own good. Shinichirou had never done this for him in the past. He really cared for him. Izana grew foolish in those thoughts. He remembered Takemichi's angry eyes, but eyes that held sincere feelings deep in his heart.
Does he really want to save this ash-gray life of mine, then? But Izana cannot forget that cold look...
Izana is terrified - afraid that Takemichi will be like Shinichiro, bringing light into his lonely, frozen world, bringing the warmth of love, lighting a hope that this world still has some gentleness for him, making him believe he can still be happy. And when he is drowned in that, the boy will abandon him, and he will be pushed back down to the hell of solitude. He has endured that feeling too many times. Yet Izana helplessly admits that it does not stop his craving to have him by his side.
He once thought of Takemichi as a sunflower living in a world full of sunlight. He has a warm family, friends at his side, wrapped in affection. Izana did not believe what Takemichi had told him before - that he truly understood the terror of loneliness. Because if he really understood, if the world had treated him coldly, he would not have had eyes that sparkled with hope and such a warm smile. He would not have acted so gently, sacrificed for others the way he did.
That day Izana saw a very different side of him - the look of someone standing on the verge of collapse. It really made his heart ache.
So we really never know whether a person's smile hides a breaking heart or a shattered soul. Everyone carries scars in their hearts. Some people, because of those scars, believe the world is truly unfair and cruel; from that grows a hatred for the world, a desire for it to suffer the same pain. Others, because they understand the pain those scars bring, do not want anyone else to be like them, and so they treat the world in the way they once wished to be treated.
He and Takemichi are indeed two opposite extremes. But precisely for that reason Takemichi both empathizes with him and wants to save him. Izana suddenly thinks: if so, then he and the boy can soothe each other's pain. Look at him standing beside those others while hiding his own wounds. The people he calls friends, his precious treasures, have no idea how hard he strains himself. And yet people call him their treasure - can they really be protecting him? Izana finds it absurd.
Takemichi would be better off by his side; the two could understand each other, the two could heal the wounds in each other's souls. Yes... but he knows that is only his thought... Takemichi would never willingly follow him... For Mikey and for Toman, Takemichi will never step toward him.
The men from Tenjiku leave one by one, yet Izana's eyes never stray from him. He doesn't say a word, though Takemichi can tell that look holds a thousand unspoken thoughts. Takemichi lets out a quiet sigh, then offers a gentle smile as he sits up on the hospital bed and spreads his arms wide.
Izana freezes, staring blankly as if it takes him a moment to understand what that gesture means. Takemichi honestly can't believe it takes Izana this long to figure it out.
"Well... could you just respond and stop making me feel this awkward already?"
Izana blinks, looking genuinely stunned, which only confuses Takemichi more. Those dark lavender eyes suddenly widen, sparks of light flickering through them. His face brightens in an instant. He leaps from his chair and throws himself at Takemichi, wrapping him up in an embrace so eager it knocks Takemichi backward, Izana ending up sprawled on top of him.
Izana's arms tighten, forcing Takemichi's back to arch. He even buries his face against Takemichi's chest, making him squirm and laugh breathlessly as a ticklish warmth spreads through him.
"Izana... ease up, I can't breathe."
"Don't want." Izana's reply is petulant, almost like a spoiled cat refusing to be pushed away. Of course he doesn't want to let go. It isn't every day he gets the chance to hold Takemichi like this. The warmth, the faint scent clinging to his soft body - only now do the stormy, chaotic feelings that have plagued Izana begin to settle. Couldn't he just take Takemichi away with him right now? If Takemichi knew what's running through his head, he'd probably beat him senseless on the spot. All the more reason to hold onto this moment for as long as he can.
Takemichi thinks that when it comes to being childish and demanding comfort, Mikey and Izana are about equal - no better than each other.
He pats Izana's back softly, his voice gentle.
"I've got a lot I want to say to you. Don't you feel the same? We can't talk like this."
Izana can't resist that tender tone, though a stubborn spark in him still tries to put up a fight.
"But you're the one who opened your arms first."
"I just wanted a hug to make peace. You've been ignoring me this whole time."
Fine, Izana admits defeat - with a twinge of disappointment. Just a hug for reconciliation? That's it?
Still, he lingers, reluctant to let go of the warmth beneath him. When he finally loosens his grip, Takemichi exhales in relief, his body relaxing. Izana sits back down at his side, sulking, his pout refusing to fade. Takemichi is about to speak, but Izana beats him to it. His eyes carry a fleeting sadness that tugs at Takemichi's chest.
Honestly, he looks like a little cat sulking after being left out. Takemichi realizes he still has to get used to seeing this side of Izana.
"Two days from now, on the twenty-second, me, Emma, and Mikey are going to visit Shin's grave. After that, we'll head back home and cook dinner together... I'll stay over for the night."
Takemichi already heard Mikey say this. It's Emma's idea - she wants this meaningful day to become the turning point where the three of them step into a new life together. When Takemichi hears it, he tries his best to hold back the surge of emotions, to stop himself from breaking down right there, but his vision blurs anyway.
It's this exact day - during his last time traveling - when he couldn't do anything. Emma dies right in front of him, Mikey and Draken collapse into despair, and afterward, both Izana and Kisaki are dragged down with them.
But now... this is good. This is really good.
Takemichi can even picture it - Izana living together with Mikey and Emma. There's no way those two get along. They'd bicker all day over stupid little things, then square up like they're about to throw punches. Emma would lose her mind at them, and he can just imagine her waving a frying pan in their faces, forcing the two hard-headed idiots to make peace. Just the thought of it is enough to make him laugh for an entire day. Everything he does, all of it, is only because he wants the people around him to find their own happiness.
Izana freezes when he sees Takemichi smiling. At the same time, tears start slipping down the boy's cheeks. Takemichi smiles with pure contentment, happiness so light it feels like he's finally fulfilled the wish he's carried for so long. His eyes, shimmering with tears like a sky full of stars, shine with a gentle warmth Izana has always craved - always hoped, someday, would turn toward him. For a moment, Izana feels like it steals the air from his lungs.
Is Takemichi crying... for him? Izana's heart trembles. He's terrified that what he feels - the affection someone else holds for him - might only be an illusion he's foolish enough to believe in.
He reaches out and brushes his fingers across Takemichi's cheek, wiping away the tears as softly as he can.
"Why are you crying? Crying because I did what you asked, opened up to Emma and Mikey? Or is it..." His voice falters. Are you crying because a monster like me finally stops, finally quits ruining Mikey's life?
He swallows the rest. He refuses to wound himself further.
"Izana-kun, I really hope you find happiness too. I'm glad you chose to hold onto it this time."
Takemichi looks straight at him, wiping his own tears as he forces a smile, his eyes still red and swollen. Izana bites his lower lip. He takes in a deep breath, feeling his heartbeat pick up pace. Even the tips of his fingers tremble. His arm hovers awkwardly in the air, unsure if he should let it fall or place it somewhere - he probably looks like a complete fool. And maybe he is a fool. Just because of one simple line from Takemichi, his carefully locked-up emotions churn so violently he can't control them anymore.
It feels like he's about to burst from the overwhelming joy surging through him.
Izana does not think he will feel this way. He feels as if he goes back to the time when Shinichiro appears and says he is his brother. Izana basks in that joy - it is the happiest day for him, the day he feels like the heavens finally hear and answer his wish for a brother. Now something else stirs in him; this fluttering, this quickened ache feels oddly unfamiliar.
He covers his mouth with his hand, but he cannot stop the smile that breaks free. He feels embarrassed and hides his face.
That mischievous kid, Takemichi - he never fails to coax Izana with sweet words. Izana suddenly steps closer to him, and he treasures the moment as he takes Takemichi's hands. Takemichi's hands are smaller than his, but the power behind the kid's punches is no small thing; the wounds on Izana's face would protest if he ever thinks the boy is weak the way he used to be.
Only now does he notice the many calluses, yet the palms are soft and warm, and he really likes it when those hands touch him. Takemichi has a big scar on his left arm - probably the wound Izana hears about, the one Takemichi took to shield the vice president of Touman. Takemichi surely has a long scar along his side too; the rogues, especially the Haitani brothers, always bring that up.
The Haitani brothers say he is brutal to himself, and yet a smile always plays on his lips while others tremble for him. That time he risked his life also for Touman people. Across his whole body, in his eyes and in his heart, he says plainly, "I am here for Touman; I live for Touman."
Izana can feel jealousy rising, ready to explode inside him.
How can he ever have Takemichi's whole heart like that?
How can Takemichi keep paying attention to him?
He needs Takemichi more than the people at Touman do, because he is the unlucky one - he has nothing, while they already have so much. They cannot selfishly claim Takemichi for themselves.
Takemichi is kind; he is the kind of hero who wants to save everyone. He will not abandon anyone...
Right - if Izana is pathetic enough, Takemichi will not be able to leave him.
Izana squeezes Takemichi's hands. He presses them to his cheeks so Takemichi's palms wrap around his face and he whispers in a mournful voice.
"I'll listen to you. I won't touch Mikey or Touman again."
Izana leans close to him. Takemichi startles and takes a small step back.
"Takemichi, if I behave like a good kid, will you care for me? Let me stay by your side, please?"
Izana speaks as if begging; his voice trembles and then goes soft. Takemichi no longer sees the imposing image of Tenjiku's brutal king - before him is just a hurt teenager who longs for someone to come and love him. Takemichi's chest tightens with pain as he looks at him.
"Izana, it's not just me - Kakucho, Emma, even Mikey, we'll be by your side. I told you, I'd be happy to be your friend."
Friend? No - it's not enough. Izana can't name the relationship he wants from Takemichi, but it's certainly not friendship. What friendship makes a person crave someone like that?
"I need a promise, Takemichi. From you - only you."
Takemichi freezes and goes quiet. He senses something off in Izana. He really shouldn't have let his guard down with him so soon; the darkness inside Izana is stubborn, it doesn't vanish just like that.
"Izana, who am I?"
Takemichi suddenly asks. Izana doesn't understand why he asks that; fear flickers through him again. He can't read him - he doesn't know what Takemichi wants. Izana watches him, afraid Takemichi will turn cold, but Takemichi's eyes stay gentle, and that is what calms him. Izana parts his lips.
"Ta... Takemichi... Hanagaki Takemichi."
The corners of Takemichi's mouth curl into a satisfied smile.
"Yes - Hanagaki Takemichi."
"Izana-kun, first I'm sorry for making you think I'm Shinichiro's replacement, because if I don't do that I know you'll never pay attention to me. In your eyes I'll always be trash."
Izana flinches and cries out.
"Takemichi - no..."
He wants to deny it, but he knows it's true. If the underworld hadn't spread the word that Mikey dotes on and favors him; if Takemichi hadn't come to tell him he's the perfect replacement for Mikey, Izana would have kept seeing him as a stumbling block to be removed.
Faced with such bitter truth, Takemichi still smiles brightly. Trash - yes, that's exactly it. The Izana from before would have looked down on him, never noticed him, and wouldn't hesitate to kill him as easily as killing an ant. Back then, he and Izana were like two parallel lines.
"Izana, the way I treated you that day is because I want you to understand that you can't live forever in a painful past. If you keep staring at something that no longer exists, you will lose what you have now. I hope you stop being haunted by Shin."
Izana grows uneasy. He already understands that on some level, but hearing Takemichi say it outright makes him feel as if he is being reprimanded. It is really hard to change; it has become an obsession, and he can't deny that he still compares - quietly - what he feels for him now with what he felt for Shinichiro in the past.
"I know it's really hard, right? Saying it is always easier than doing it. I'm someone who's haunted by the past too."
Haunted by the past, haunted by the word: happiness.
"Izana-kun, I want to be by your side as Hanagaki Takemichi, not as Shinichiro's stand-in. So if you want me to promise I'll stay with you, at least show me something that makes me trust you, Izana. If you try to fool me again... I will make you pay."
Takemichi speaks with a cheerful tone, but his words are full of barbs. Compared to when he is cold, his bright, radiant look presses down on people even more. It's like killing someone with a smile.
After all, he is not the only mad one in this world. Takemichi probably doesn't even realize how much madness he carries for his own sake.
Takemichi is dangerous, truly. What if one day the person who disappoints you is not me but those you give your whole heart to? Will you fall into darkness like I once did?*
"Anything you want, Takemichi - just stay by my side."
What he needs to do now is hold onto this person and keep him near.
From now on, hero, look at me.
Izana looks at him with a longing, pleading gaze.
It's not really over yet.
*Note: Here Izana's monologue uses the Vietnamese pronouns tôi - em for Takemichi. This pair sounds formal, distant, yet also deeply romantic - like an elegant, aristocratic way of saying 'I - you.' But when they actually talk, he switches to mày - tao, the rough, street-gang 'you - me.' That contrast makes his inner thoughts feel extra emotional, lol!
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